Six months...

Well, they weren't wrong about the holidays. It hurt like you know what. This year was the first year I think I leaned more toward "glad they were over" more than "happy they happened." We got a few little things to remember Caleb by &, of course, each time I would lose it. It was hard & sad, but it was also a happy sad. Sad that he wasn't here but happy that his memory was included in the holiday. I think I would have been more upset after if it hadn't been.

And now tomorrow marks his 6 month Heavenly birthday. We've continued to get through each day with as much strength as we can. But when I think about him, the pain is still the same. It hurts just as much today as it did the day it happened.

And if you were here with me now, sweet boy..you'd be close to sitting up on your own. Probably rolling around like madman. Eating your rice, fruits, & veggies. Giggling & waving your hands up & down out of pure joy. You'd have a killer smile. (I'd know..because I gave it to you. :))

But you're not here. You are somewhere so much better than here. You have the wings of an angel & I feel you here with me every day. What I wouldn't give to have you physically here to hug on, to kiss those chubby cheeks!

These sweet little arms or those adorable little feet.

I know I will see you again & for that I am thankful..but I still am selfishly sad that today is another day that I don't physically have you here.

I made my goal for 2015 to try & be more positive. To really believe that God will bring us good, that He will continue to pour out His blessings from this pain. Not only to just believe it, but to really feel it..let it seep into my skin & begin to truly heal my broken heart. Most days I can hold my head up, believe in the promise that's been made..but on days like today, when I miss you more than my heart can handle, I am weak.

I truly wish you were here, sweet boy! I will love and miss you every day of my life. 

I hope you are dancing in Heaven..for mommy & daddy!  

<3 CCF

Hold on tight, it's going to hurt like hell..

Well, one week from today will mark 4 months. Where have the last 4 months gone? They've gone to grieving, working, trying to live life the way it used to be even though life will never truly be the way it used to be.

We made it through Thanksgiving. I will admit that before Thanksgiving, I was very much looking forward to the holiday season. I thought if anything, it would be the time that happiness just flowed & it wasn't necessarily forced. I think I was lying to myself for thinking that I would somehow get through the days without thinking about our situation, what happened, or the big piece of our lives that was missing. Thanksgiving came & went -- & it was okay. I wouldn't say I enjoyed the day as much as I normally did. Thanksgiving is definitely one of my top 5 favorite days of the year -- up there with PreThanksgiving (which was a BUST this year & those in attendance know why!) & Christmas Eve/Day. I was okay because I wasn't hidden under the covers in my bed. I could still feel the weight of my reality on my heart & it made everything a little bit gray.

The days following Thanksgiving, I saw a photo on Facebook that said: "People shouldn't tell you 'it's going to be alright,' they should be telling you to hold on tight because it's going to hurt like hell." I remember how emotional the statement made me feel because of how true it was. People could tell me until they are blue it the face that it was "going to be alright" or what have you when the truth of the matter is..it's going to hurt. like. hell. Nothing will replace the pain of what you've lost. You are just doing & dealing every single day & one day you will realize that the doing & dealing is a lot easier today then it was yesterday & that is about as much as you can ask for.

Caleb Cassius, I will never stop missing you. Not an hour of the day has gone by where I don't think about you & miss you. You will forever be my baby boy. <3 I love you.

Time to play catch up..

It's been way too long since I've written a post.

I blame it on the fact that this past month has been the hardest time of dealing with our loss that I've experienced. I went back to work on Tuesday the 14th & that was miserable. Every part of it. Leaving my kids, leaving my "safe space," leaving the open amount of time to just be sad whenever I wanted or felt like being sad. Having to see customers & other people I work with who knew what happened or better yet, who didn't know what happened & would ask you "how's the new baby?!" People have been giving their condolences & I have no idea what to do other than smile & say thank you. Every time I feel like it makes me crazy…why am I smiling? I don't want to be smiling.  I also don't really want to be saying thank you but it's taking everything in me not to instantly start crying.

I will say on the other side of that (yes..I am a roller coaster. Up one minute & down the next) that I do prefer it when people acknowledge it vs. skate around it. If you want to ask me how I am or say that you are sorry..then say it. Don't dance around it & ask me how my "children" are. I know that could be implying just how are Henry & Evelyn but of course in my head I'm thinking..are you asking about Caleb?! It does show someone that you care enough to ask even if you are scared for how it might make them feel. It means more to know you remember him & what happened & want to ask vs. you not asking & thus looking like you don't care. We will tell you flat out if we don't want to talk about it because maybe that is where we are emotionally but that doesn't mean it's anything against you. I guarantee we pocket the fact that you asked so that when we do feel ready to talk or feel like we need someone to talk..you, who cared, will be one of the first people we turn to. It will also make those days where I feel like I have to fake being okay fewer & far between..

Henry & Evelyn have been the lights of our lives lately. 

My first day back to work I had to drive to Columbus for a meeting. It was a rainy, ugly day..right in line with my attitude. However, when I looked in my side mirror I saw this rainbow. Since behind me was my home & where sweet Caleb is, I like to think that it's where my pot of gold is. <3

Things that have been happening in our life…we've had some bad days. Some really, really bad days. There seem to be more "ok" days now then bad days. We wouldn't say they are great days but they aren't the really bad days so they are ok. We've been going to our grief group every Thursday night. We are actually 6 weeks in now & only have 2 meetings left. I can honestly say I have enjoyed my time in them very very much & I am not at all looking forward to the 8 weeks being over. I feel like we have come a long way since starting in the group & I know it's because God put us there on purpose. We've met some people who I know we needed in our lives & who are people we will get to share the rest of this life with..with a similar scar & deep connection. They will help give us strength in times when we need it. I am so thankful for that.

Some things I've learned since being in the grief group is that 1. We are not entitled. The day I heard that, I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. Another reason why God had put me there. To stop selfishly asking why God was punishing us by taking our baby or better yet, just punishing me but to remember that everything we are given in life is a blessing. The people, the material, the time..it is all a blessing. I was never entitled to be Caleb's mommy..I was never entitled to have children at all. I was never entitled to the loving husband I have. 2. You can't blame God & expect him to save you at the same time.  3. (this wasn't grief group but still..) We are not immune. Bad things do happen to good people. Death was never in God's plan - he didn't want this for us but it happened. For the last few weeks of my pregnancy & then even more so after Caleb was born, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like some other big life alerting bomb was going to go off. You hear so much about people getting terminal illnesses at any age, but especially the young ages -- families with young children. It may be just as common as it has always been but now there is social media for the whole world to see/hear what is going on in other peoples lives. Every single day you hear on the news or read online something terrible happening to people & it kept feeling like something else was going to happen. (Again) Why were we being punished? What message are we supposed to be getting? How much more pain will we have to endure?  TOTAL CRAP feelings in my opinion. I am not immune, we are not immune. But every day that I put my anxiety ahead of my faith, I was only proving to myself that I wasn't giving God my full & total trust. Coming to that realization helped ease some of my anxiety that something terrible was going to happen.

"13 Now listen, you who say,
'today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city,
spend a year there, carry on business & make money.'
14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life?
You are a mist that appears for a little while & then vanishes.
15 Instead, you out to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live & do this or that.'"
James 4:13-15

"7 Cast all your anxiety on Him who cares for you"
1 Peter 5:7

"10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will STRENGTHEN you and HELP you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

Anyway..this has gotten a little lengthy & has sent my emotions all over the place again. I do want to share one other thing before I sign off. I can not thank every one enough who donated to our go fund me site. Our last grief meeting we talked about ways to begin healing & one of the ways was to accept help. Again, when we set up the site we had a really hard time with it. Very awkward, foreign feelings about it. But when it came down to it, seeing that outpouring of not even the dollars but the love of 110+ donors was so unreal. I have tears running down my face now as I even type this. You have no idea what it meant to us & the impact it would have. We've already paid out over $6,000 in medical bills plus another & $1,600 for our sweet boy's headstone. Our lives would be in a much greater place of despair if it hadn't been for everyone's generosity.

"2 Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ"

We WILL pay it forward.

Sweet baby, Caleb...not a day goes by that I don't think about you, cry for you, wish like crazy that you were here. I miss you so much...I long for the day when we will meet again. Until then, sweet boy..I will see you in my dreams. I love you! xoxo -Mommy

CCF <3 

Mourning together..

What's up, reader friends..

It is time for another blogpost today because so much unbelievable (to me) stuff happened yesterday that I feel like I just have to share it.

Last night we had our first "Grief" group at Crossroads church. Matt & I had seen the information about the group in the church bulletin a few weeks ago & we always knew we wanted to somehow get more involved in the church but never knew where or what & then the other big kicker was when -- we were always SO good at putting things off. However, given our situation, it felt more like there was no way we could not do this & we had to do it now. I went online that evening & registered before I gave myself the chance to change my mind or put it off any further.

Let me just say -- it is AMAZING & maybe even part freaky the way God works. After I signed up for the group, one of the leaders e-mailed asking for our information. I replied back & told her the key answers to her questions -- who we were grieving & when we lost them. She replied back & told me that her heart broke for us & that there was another couple facing a similar situation around the same timeframe. I will admit that did make me feel a lot better. When we first signed up I was worried it would be either all older people grieving a spouse or something to that effect & that maybe we wouldn't connect the same way. So last night, even walking in the room & having the other couple pointed out to us, I still kind of thought (sorry guys if you are reading this…) that I doubt that they went through anything like what we went through.  Clearly Satan was trying his best to keep me close minded & for awhile, it worked. We eventually broke off into smaller "like loss" groups where you'd break off with others who suffered your same loss of a spouse, loss of a child, etc. Once they had realized there were 2 couples going through our same type of loss, they asked a special leader to come in who had also faced a loss like ours so our group was the smallest of the small I believe with 5 of us in total. 2 couples, 1 leader. We started out by sharing our stories & for the next hour or so it was unreal the things we uncovered.

Here's how it shakes down:

They were 38 weeks pregnant when they lost their baby girl the DAY before us. She delivered at the same hospital -- in the same room!! She delivered naturally, so she was sent home Thursday MORNING. We were in the same room, on the same day, just with a break in the middle. As if that is not crazy enough that we were meeting someone SO VERY SIMILAR to our situation, the husband who does home improvement type construction is doing work right now on my doctors house. He (my doctor) knew that this couple was also expecting a baby & asked him how things were going with that just 2 days before & he had to give him the bad news. Friedman then told him that they had a similar situation happen at the practice just last month. CRAZY that they then met us 2 days later.

As you read this you may think I sound incredibly happy over what I'm sharing with you -- that I'm overly happy that there is another couple going through what we are going through & that there is something morbid in that but that's not it at all. I am happy that I have put my faith & trust in God & this is how He shows me He hears me & is working. No one else could have orchestrated such a meeting. I still have no idea what His plan is or why it has worked out the way it has..but I know His plan is in motion & we just have to be open to it. We will get there eventually.

I like to think that their baby girl was waiting at the gates of Heaven for Caleb to arrive.

I think I've hit you (or myself) with enough for now..I'll share more about what I took away from the Grief group in a later post.

much love. xoxo. CCF <3

Day vs. Night

"That is what this experience feels like. Ripping my heart out over & over & over..

Every time I watch the video of the NILMDTS pictures..it RIPS my heart out. I just want my baby back. I would do anything to have my baby back. I know it's selfish & I don't care. Why did he have to die?

Everyone keeps saying they are in awe of our faith & our strength or amazed by how well we are doing -- it's all a fake."


This was a blog post I started the other night around 11 pm. It's amazing the difference between night & day. My attitude towards the situation kind of changes with the settings of the day. I'm writing this blog post now at 1:20 in the afternoon & I'm doing ok. I have Henry & Evelyn around to keep my spirits light -- then the night comes, the "dark" sets in if you will & it kind of feels that same way around my heart. The dark is when I seem to cry the most, to feel the most amount of pain.

I have to give my sister-in-law Amy some serious shout outs in here today..she gave me some very good advice that has stuck with me & turned a few points of sadness into happier moments. I may have already shared it in a previous post but I'm going to share it again. A few weeks ago I did share that we took the family on a quick trip to Gatlinburg to try & get away for a few days .. well, while we were there I had a pretty hardcore breakdown because my favorite store in GB happens to be an embroidery type store (who doesn't love having their name on EVERYTHING!?…ha just kidding…maybe) & I walked it & it was Caleb, Caleb, Caleb everything..baby blankets, picture frames, you name it, they had it. I tried as hard as I could to walk a little further into the store to try & fight it but it didn't work. I ran out insanely upset & just had to cry. I text Amy to share my #gatlinburgfail because Amy is familiar with the store & knew exactly what I was referring to. She gave me a lengthy response back but the short of it said to consider that messages from Caleb, letting you know he's with you & he's thinking of you, too. Turns out..he's thinking of me a lot & I love it. Our neighbors house is for sale & as any noisy neighbor would do, I looked it up on Sibcy Cline (don't act like you are above it) & the name on the child's room was Caleb. I saw a post on FB the other day for another baby boy born named Caleb. Those are just a few of the more recent ways he's shown himself to me..

As some of you follow me on Facebook, you may have seen that I did something I never, ever thought I would do. I got inked!

Amy has been encouraging (let's call it that…) me to get a tattoo for a long while & to be honest, I am the biggest wimp when it comes to things. The idea of actively seeking out a needle ripping my skin (Amy's description of the pain pre-tattoo) to permanently mark my body with something I may or may not love in 6 years let alone 6 months…thanks, but no thanks. Then after all of this happened, I thought more & more about how permanent this situation is & how I want some way to always, always, always remember & have Caleb close to me. I never want him or his memory to fade away. I know the pain will never go away but I never want a day to go by that I don't think about him in some way, shape, or form. This sounds dumb but the girl in the movie Divergent gets a tattoo on her chest of what looks like 3 birds flying. I actually liked the tattoo when I saw it & thought that there may be some cool way to shape that into something I wanted. I then went very unique & googled "bird tattoos" & tonsssss came up. I found one similar to what I got above .. it was more on a telephone wire & the birds looked a little different. The artist, Jason, at Mothers in Covington took my picture & tweaked it the way I wanted. I wanted the two birds to look more like they were on a tree than on a line & I wanted distinct difference in size on the birds on the tree -- you probably already get it but in case you don't..the bigger bird represents Henry & the smaller bird is Evelyn. Note that I also love the way "Henry" is looking over at Evelyn & his head is almost completely above hers as if he is protecting her. The bird flying away is our sweet angel baby Caleb. 

I even love the tattoo enough that when we meet with the cemetery on Saturday to discuss his headstone I want to have this imagine etched on there..that way we have something to share besides just our name. 

Keeping this verse close to my heart:

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Thanks for reading .. much love to you all! xoxoxo

Monday, September 8th

Well… #realtalk. Tomorrow sucks.

Tomorrow at 9 am would have been the time baby Caleb would have been born if everything had gone according to my plan. (catch that? MY plan.) This weekend has been exceptionally tough knowing that this day is just coming.

Here's part of the reason why:

It just so happens that I watched an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians today..let me tell you, NOT a show I normally watch. I sincerely can not stand to watch the show for so so so many reasons but some odd reason reason today, I just needed a mindless distraction. How'd that go for me you ask? OH…it just so happened to be the episode where Kim gave birth to her baby girl. Right? Awful enough as it is? Someone experiencing the beautiful joy in having a baby & what not. Just wait..it gets better. DID YOU KNOW: That Kim gave birth to her baby girl at 35 weeks? Huh…coincidence. OR that she gave birth at 35 weeks because she had toxemia?! HUH..how bout that. So that was awesome… she got her blood work done & the next day they called her to confirm she was toxemic & they were inducing her that day. SO LET'S REFLECT -- when I went to the doctor on MONDAY & we suspected toxemia…we were waiting to do a blood draw until FRIDAY. When we COULD have drawn it on MONDAY, confirmed toxemia on TUESDAY & potentially delivered baby Caleb & avoided this whole heaping hot mess?! (Yeah..mom..if you are reading this..you were right) Here's why I'm bringing this up -- granted yes it sent me through a loop of what ifs this afternoon & a weepy blubbery mess. The end result can't be changed at this point. Am I beyond mad that they didn't draw my blood on Monday right away to get something going? Absolutely. Lesson learned on my part..but YOU out there who is reading this & is pregnant..DO NOT LET THEM WAIT. If you suspect something is wrong -- get it moving THAT DAY, that INSTANT. My signs again were high blood pressure (Kim's too -- 155/100), weight gain (17 lbs in 4 weeks), swollen monster feet, protein in your sample, pain/discomfort in your right side rib cage, & blurry/spotty vision..keep those things in mind. Watch for the signs & ask questions -- even if you are only showing 1 symptom.

So with tomorrow looming & my anger seen/felt from above..Matt & I have been on the absolute edge with each other all weekend. I bit his head off today because he asked me if someone brought us these brownies or if I made them. It's pretty sad to say the least..

There is some good to be seen for tomorrow though. I have a wonderful group of friends who are having a girls night to celebrate a birthday & just have a group hang. The date couldn't be better because again..any distraction will be much appreciated.

Over the last few weeks, one of the messages I am absolutely positive that God has been weighing on me is to appreciate what I have in front of me. Life goes according to HIS plan, not MY plan (aka life is HIS blueprint -- words from RN Kate :)) I don't know if I've said enough how grateful I am for everything everyone has done for our family over the last 3 & a half weeks but I really & truly am. When I think of the generosity of people lately, it's like my heart is so full you prick it with the least bit of generosity & it bursts & I flood out tears of joy. It makes me think of this song (I've posted the lyrics before .. I've put in bold a part that especially hits home for us if you change the word father to baby & a link to youtube if you want to have a listen). I believe the words strongly correlate to our bible study group who have been an amazing group of friends but beyond that -- to everyone helping us. You are a cloud of witnesses to what the beauty of God's gracious & merciful love is like. Tomorrow is going to suck..but we know with all the love of our family, friends, & even strangers…we will make it through.

                                                              "Cloud Of Witnesses"

We watched them runnin' down the aisles,
Children's time, Sunday morning.
The preacher asked them who they loved,
They all smiled and started pointing to their mom,
Their dad,
The teacher from their kindergarten class;
And each and every one
Had just come from

A cloud of witnesses
That would see them through the years
Cheer them with a smile
And pray them through the tears
A cloud of witnesses that would see them to the end,
And shower them with love that never ends
A cloud of witnesses.

They stuck together through the years,
The best of friends faith could foster
So when they found out one of them
Had heard the news
He'd lost his father,
They ran to him
And prayed and put their hands upon his head,
And slowly one by one
They'd all become

A cloud of witnesses
As they sent above a prayer
They took a hold of hands and
circled 'round a friend
A cloud of witnesses with a faith just like a rock,
They helped him give his father back to God
As a cloud of witnesses

So when it comes the time
That heaven calls
They'll come running to see the ones who've gone before,
And made the journey home to find waiting for them at the finish line,
Cheerin happily they will run
and they will see

A could of witnesses
Lined up on a street of gold
As they run the final mile.
That leads them to a throne.
And through the cloud of witnesses
They see God upon the throne.
And as they fall into His arms,
They know they're home in
A cloud of witnesses,
Surrounded by a could of witnesses.

We watched them runnin down the aisles
Children's time
Sunday morning.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blgvgtdYoKc

<3 CCF

Much love.

I've lost my flow..

It's been awhile since I've made a post to the blog.

It's not for lack of thought or even lack of effort. I've found myself on this site with a post started, a paragraph written & the pain all the sudden taking over. It would take over & there was no way I could finish. The pain has seemed to get a lot deeper over the last few weeks. The days may be more spread apart when I have the breakdown but when it hits, it hits hard.

I also feel like with my emotions all over the place that any thought or feeling I try to express on here comes out as a hot mess..so bare with me.

Last week we took the kids down to Gatlinburg for 2 nights in hopes of giving us all a little bit of a mental break & try to have some fun. I will admit, it did give us the break from our minds but Matt & I quickly realized we were just going through the motions. It doesn't feel right to be happy. A big piece of our hearts & lives is just gone -- & has only been gone for 2 weeks at that point? We know it's something we are going to have to work on.

We went to church on Saturday night & found in the program a big section on community groups & one of the community groups is an 8 week group on Grief. After talking about things on Monday, we determined we needed to do something because for each of us, the pain wasn't going away & it didn't seem easier to deal with. It just feels like it hurts a little more & we don't know how to overcome. We start those on the 25th of September.

As it has been since our tragic loss, we are overwhelmed with gratitude for everything people have been doing for us. Again with the meals & all of the donations on the gofundme site -- we have been so well taken care of & appreciate it all so much. On top of all those items, people have been sending us items to keep Caleb close to our hearts. I wanted to share a few photos of the items because they've been so special to me.

I truly love each & every one of these items. They are things I never would have thought to get for myself & yet so many things to keep Caleb with us.

Again -- this blog is turning into my giant thank you note. We are so grateful for everything everyone has done for us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.