Man! It's been too long since I've been here.
It's amazing how far we've come. It's almost hard to come back to this site anymore because it takes me back, every little memory comes flooding back. We still think about you every. day. Evelyn has even started talking about "Cawub" and it is the cutest, most gut wrenching thing ever. You are so loved and so missed, little boy.
To further discuss what has transpired over time..the first part of this year we really got a grip on where we wanted to be. Did we want to try for another or did we want to look into adoption? Every time we would talk about trying again, I would get terrified. I'd have a light at the idea of another baby, another piece of our family, but the process scared me half to death. So we finally bit the bullet. At church one weekend, they had a special speaker in discussing "Anything is Possible" and he talked about how God does His greatest work in the scary, dark, unknown places. The whole entire service I kept thinking to myself - adoption. It's the scary, dark road we don't understand but maybe that's the path God is nudging us toward. Then, that same week, we got word from some friends of ours that they would be fostering a 1-2 day old baby. My heart broke. Every thought in my head was I will go and get that baby right now. I will love them. That did it for me. I wanted a baby - & quite frankly, I wanted it now. I started doing some research all on my own while Matt was at work & just figured..he'll be on board whether he likes it or not. Turns out, when we finally connected by phone later that day, the first thing out of his mouth was "I want a baby." Me too, buddy. So it seemed our newest journey was ahead of us. We registered for an orientation with an adoption agency to get the scoop, started doing some more online research, started to pray about it. I can't tell you what slowed me down. I left the orientation ready to fill out my application & drop the first $1600 or so toward this process. I was all in. But then…I wasn't. That orientation was on a Wednesday and by Friday, I just couldn't do it. I don't know what it was but I called it a bad fit. So Matt & I started talking about other agencies. Maybe there would be a better fit out there for us.
We let it sit for about 2 weeks and lightly started to bring it up again. Still…making no moves.
I had a doctors appointment somewhere within this timeframe because I started having some joint pain. (I started advocare shortly before so I swore it was killing me) I had some blood work done on a Thursday, on Saturday we went out with our good friends Carrie & Kyle - there was wine. there was sushi. a BOAT of sushi. Monday, I get a call with my blood work results. My thyroid was "abnormal" and my fasting blood sugar was 130. crap.
I was thinking in my head, trying to run some numbers, it was way too early. Wasn't it? crap. double crap. I stop on my way home from work that day just to see… yep, sure nough.
And thus begins, God laughing at what we thought was His plan. :)
So reason I'm telling you via this blog?
I didn't want to. I 100% wanted to keep this on a those who need to know basis and leave it at that. Matt & I went so far as to not jinx ourselves by buying anything. We made that commitment this week that we will not buy anything until the day he/she safely arrives.
Well….we are doing the BRAVE journey at church right now. We had to pick a heading for ourselves in where we would be Brave. I did week 1's steps and my heading had to do with work. I clearly remember just thinking "ugh. I don't care." Work is work and the way I feel right now is I just don't care. There is something SO MUCH BIGGER taking up space in my mind. It was a daily, constant, horrible feeling I was carrying around. Almost like waiting for that shoe to drop and the bad news to come. What I realized over this past week is that by all of the things I thought above..I wasn't trusting in Him. I was going to be entirely in control of this situation but are. you. kidding. me. Just thinking back on the last 3 weeks - the misery, the anxiety. There is NO WAY I can carry that weight on my own. WHY SHOULD I?!
So, I'm giving it all up. GUESS WHAT, FRIENDS?! Good or bad, right or wrong, Matt & I are having a baby! Holy fudge stick, batman! And it's going. to. be. great.
**ps quite a lengthy post to come to that conclusion, aye? congrats on sticking it out! :)
"Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid." - Isaiah 12:2
"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." - Romans 5:2-5
"Do not be afraid, for I am with you;" - Isaiah 43:5
