Well, one week from today will mark 4 months. Where have the last 4 months gone? They've gone to grieving, working, trying to live life the way it used to be even though life will never truly be the way it used to be.
We made it through Thanksgiving. I will admit that before Thanksgiving, I was very much looking forward to the holiday season. I thought if anything, it would be the time that happiness just flowed & it wasn't necessarily forced. I think I was lying to myself for thinking that I would somehow get through the days without thinking about our situation, what happened, or the big piece of our lives that was missing. Thanksgiving came & went -- & it was okay. I wouldn't say I enjoyed the day as much as I normally did. Thanksgiving is definitely one of my top 5 favorite days of the year -- up there with PreThanksgiving (which was a BUST this year & those in attendance know why!) & Christmas Eve/Day. I was okay because I wasn't hidden under the covers in my bed. I could still feel the weight of my reality on my heart & it made everything a little bit gray.
The days following Thanksgiving, I saw a photo on Facebook that said: "People shouldn't tell you 'it's going to be alright,' they should be telling you to hold on tight because it's going to hurt like hell." I remember how emotional the statement made me feel because of how true it was. People could tell me until they are blue it the face that it was "going to be alright" or what have you when the truth of the matter is..it's going to hurt. like. hell. Nothing will replace the pain of what you've lost. You are just doing & dealing every single day & one day you will realize that the doing & dealing is a lot easier today then it was yesterday & that is about as much as you can ask for.
Caleb Cassius, I will never stop missing you. Not an hour of the day has gone by where I don't think about you & miss you. You will forever be my baby boy. <3 I love you.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Time to play catch up..
It's been way too long since I've written a post.
I blame it on the fact that this past month has been the hardest time of dealing with our loss that I've experienced. I went back to work on Tuesday the 14th & that was miserable. Every part of it. Leaving my kids, leaving my "safe space," leaving the open amount of time to just be sad whenever I wanted or felt like being sad. Having to see customers & other people I work with who knew what happened or better yet, who didn't know what happened & would ask you "how's the new baby?!" People have been giving their condolences & I have no idea what to do other than smile & say thank you. Every time I feel like it makes me crazy…why am I smiling? I don't want to be smiling. I also don't really want to be saying thank you but it's taking everything in me not to instantly start crying.
I will say on the other side of that (yes..I am a roller coaster. Up one minute & down the next) that I do prefer it when people acknowledge it vs. skate around it. If you want to ask me how I am or say that you are sorry..then say it. Don't dance around it & ask me how my "children" are. I know that could be implying just how are Henry & Evelyn but of course in my head I'm thinking..are you asking about Caleb?! It does show someone that you care enough to ask even if you are scared for how it might make them feel. It means more to know you remember him & what happened & want to ask vs. you not asking & thus looking like you don't care. We will tell you flat out if we don't want to talk about it because maybe that is where we are emotionally but that doesn't mean it's anything against you. I guarantee we pocket the fact that you asked so that when we do feel ready to talk or feel like we need someone to talk..you, who cared, will be one of the first people we turn to. It will also make those days where I feel like I have to fake being okay fewer & far between..
Things that have been happening in our life…we've had some bad days. Some really, really bad days. There seem to be more "ok" days now then bad days. We wouldn't say they are great days but they aren't the really bad days so they are ok. We've been going to our grief group every Thursday night. We are actually 6 weeks in now & only have 2 meetings left. I can honestly say I have enjoyed my time in them very very much & I am not at all looking forward to the 8 weeks being over. I feel like we have come a long way since starting in the group & I know it's because God put us there on purpose. We've met some people who I know we needed in our lives & who are people we will get to share the rest of this life with..with a similar scar & deep connection. They will help give us strength in times when we need it. I am so thankful for that.
Some things I've learned since being in the grief group is that 1. We are not entitled. The day I heard that, I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. Another reason why God had put me there. To stop selfishly asking why God was punishing us by taking our baby or better yet, just punishing me but to remember that everything we are given in life is a blessing. The people, the material, the time..it is all a blessing. I was never entitled to be Caleb's mommy..I was never entitled to have children at all. I was never entitled to the loving husband I have. 2. You can't blame God & expect him to save you at the same time. 3. (this wasn't grief group but still..) We are not immune. Bad things do happen to good people. Death was never in God's plan - he didn't want this for us but it happened. For the last few weeks of my pregnancy & then even more so after Caleb was born, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like some other big life alerting bomb was going to go off. You hear so much about people getting terminal illnesses at any age, but especially the young ages -- families with young children. It may be just as common as it has always been but now there is social media for the whole world to see/hear what is going on in other peoples lives. Every single day you hear on the news or read online something terrible happening to people & it kept feeling like something else was going to happen. (Again) Why were we being punished? What message are we supposed to be getting? How much more pain will we have to endure? TOTAL CRAP feelings in my opinion. I am not immune, we are not immune. But every day that I put my anxiety ahead of my faith, I was only proving to myself that I wasn't giving God my full & total trust. Coming to that realization helped ease some of my anxiety that something terrible was going to happen.
"13 Now listen, you who say,
'today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city,
spend a year there, carry on business & make money.'
14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life?
You are a mist that appears for a little while & then vanishes.
15 Instead, you out to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live & do this or that.'"
James 4:13-15
"7 Cast all your anxiety on Him who cares for you"
1 Peter 5:7
"10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will STRENGTHEN you and HELP you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
Anyway..this has gotten a little lengthy & has sent my emotions all over the place again. I do want to share one other thing before I sign off. I can not thank every one enough who donated to our go fund me site. Our last grief meeting we talked about ways to begin healing & one of the ways was to accept help. Again, when we set up the site we had a really hard time with it. Very awkward, foreign feelings about it. But when it came down to it, seeing that outpouring of not even the dollars but the love of 110+ donors was so unreal. I have tears running down my face now as I even type this. You have no idea what it meant to us & the impact it would have. We've already paid out over $6,000 in medical bills plus another & $1,600 for our sweet boy's headstone. Our lives would be in a much greater place of despair if it hadn't been for everyone's generosity.
"2 Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ"
We WILL pay it forward.
I blame it on the fact that this past month has been the hardest time of dealing with our loss that I've experienced. I went back to work on Tuesday the 14th & that was miserable. Every part of it. Leaving my kids, leaving my "safe space," leaving the open amount of time to just be sad whenever I wanted or felt like being sad. Having to see customers & other people I work with who knew what happened or better yet, who didn't know what happened & would ask you "how's the new baby?!" People have been giving their condolences & I have no idea what to do other than smile & say thank you. Every time I feel like it makes me crazy…why am I smiling? I don't want to be smiling. I also don't really want to be saying thank you but it's taking everything in me not to instantly start crying.
I will say on the other side of that (yes..I am a roller coaster. Up one minute & down the next) that I do prefer it when people acknowledge it vs. skate around it. If you want to ask me how I am or say that you are sorry..then say it. Don't dance around it & ask me how my "children" are. I know that could be implying just how are Henry & Evelyn but of course in my head I'm thinking..are you asking about Caleb?! It does show someone that you care enough to ask even if you are scared for how it might make them feel. It means more to know you remember him & what happened & want to ask vs. you not asking & thus looking like you don't care. We will tell you flat out if we don't want to talk about it because maybe that is where we are emotionally but that doesn't mean it's anything against you. I guarantee we pocket the fact that you asked so that when we do feel ready to talk or feel like we need someone to talk..you, who cared, will be one of the first people we turn to. It will also make those days where I feel like I have to fake being okay fewer & far between..
Henry & Evelyn have been the lights of our lives lately.
My first day back to work I had to drive to Columbus for a meeting. It was a rainy, ugly day..right in line with my attitude. However, when I looked in my side mirror I saw this rainbow. Since behind me was my home & where sweet Caleb is, I like to think that it's where my pot of gold is. <3Things that have been happening in our life…we've had some bad days. Some really, really bad days. There seem to be more "ok" days now then bad days. We wouldn't say they are great days but they aren't the really bad days so they are ok. We've been going to our grief group every Thursday night. We are actually 6 weeks in now & only have 2 meetings left. I can honestly say I have enjoyed my time in them very very much & I am not at all looking forward to the 8 weeks being over. I feel like we have come a long way since starting in the group & I know it's because God put us there on purpose. We've met some people who I know we needed in our lives & who are people we will get to share the rest of this life with..with a similar scar & deep connection. They will help give us strength in times when we need it. I am so thankful for that.
Some things I've learned since being in the grief group is that 1. We are not entitled. The day I heard that, I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. Another reason why God had put me there. To stop selfishly asking why God was punishing us by taking our baby or better yet, just punishing me but to remember that everything we are given in life is a blessing. The people, the material, the time..it is all a blessing. I was never entitled to be Caleb's mommy..I was never entitled to have children at all. I was never entitled to the loving husband I have. 2. You can't blame God & expect him to save you at the same time. 3. (this wasn't grief group but still..) We are not immune. Bad things do happen to good people. Death was never in God's plan - he didn't want this for us but it happened. For the last few weeks of my pregnancy & then even more so after Caleb was born, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like some other big life alerting bomb was going to go off. You hear so much about people getting terminal illnesses at any age, but especially the young ages -- families with young children. It may be just as common as it has always been but now there is social media for the whole world to see/hear what is going on in other peoples lives. Every single day you hear on the news or read online something terrible happening to people & it kept feeling like something else was going to happen. (Again) Why were we being punished? What message are we supposed to be getting? How much more pain will we have to endure? TOTAL CRAP feelings in my opinion. I am not immune, we are not immune. But every day that I put my anxiety ahead of my faith, I was only proving to myself that I wasn't giving God my full & total trust. Coming to that realization helped ease some of my anxiety that something terrible was going to happen.
"13 Now listen, you who say,
'today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city,
spend a year there, carry on business & make money.'
14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life?
You are a mist that appears for a little while & then vanishes.
15 Instead, you out to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live & do this or that.'"
James 4:13-15
"7 Cast all your anxiety on Him who cares for you"
1 Peter 5:7
"10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will STRENGTHEN you and HELP you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
Anyway..this has gotten a little lengthy & has sent my emotions all over the place again. I do want to share one other thing before I sign off. I can not thank every one enough who donated to our go fund me site. Our last grief meeting we talked about ways to begin healing & one of the ways was to accept help. Again, when we set up the site we had a really hard time with it. Very awkward, foreign feelings about it. But when it came down to it, seeing that outpouring of not even the dollars but the love of 110+ donors was so unreal. I have tears running down my face now as I even type this. You have no idea what it meant to us & the impact it would have. We've already paid out over $6,000 in medical bills plus another & $1,600 for our sweet boy's headstone. Our lives would be in a much greater place of despair if it hadn't been for everyone's generosity.
"2 Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ"
We WILL pay it forward.
Sweet baby, Caleb...not a day goes by that I don't think about you, cry for you, wish like crazy that you were here. I miss you so much...I long for the day when we will meet again. Until then, sweet boy..I will see you in my dreams. I love you! xoxo -Mommy
CCF <3
Friday, September 26, 2014
Mourning together..
What's up, reader friends..
It is time for another blogpost today because so much unbelievable (to me) stuff happened yesterday that I feel like I just have to share it.
Last night we had our first "Grief" group at Crossroads church. Matt & I had seen the information about the group in the church bulletin a few weeks ago & we always knew we wanted to somehow get more involved in the church but never knew where or what & then the other big kicker was when -- we were always SO good at putting things off. However, given our situation, it felt more like there was no way we could not do this & we had to do it now. I went online that evening & registered before I gave myself the chance to change my mind or put it off any further.
Let me just say -- it is AMAZING & maybe even part freaky the way God works. After I signed up for the group, one of the leaders e-mailed asking for our information. I replied back & told her the key answers to her questions -- who we were grieving & when we lost them. She replied back & told me that her heart broke for us & that there was another couple facing a similar situation around the same timeframe. I will admit that did make me feel a lot better. When we first signed up I was worried it would be either all older people grieving a spouse or something to that effect & that maybe we wouldn't connect the same way. So last night, even walking in the room & having the other couple pointed out to us, I still kind of thought (sorry guys if you are reading this…) that I doubt that they went through anything like what we went through. Clearly Satan was trying his best to keep me close minded & for awhile, it worked. We eventually broke off into smaller "like loss" groups where you'd break off with others who suffered your same loss of a spouse, loss of a child, etc. Once they had realized there were 2 couples going through our same type of loss, they asked a special leader to come in who had also faced a loss like ours so our group was the smallest of the small I believe with 5 of us in total. 2 couples, 1 leader. We started out by sharing our stories & for the next hour or so it was unreal the things we uncovered.
Here's how it shakes down:
They were 38 weeks pregnant when they lost their baby girl the DAY before us. She delivered at the same hospital -- in the same room!! She delivered naturally, so she was sent home Thursday MORNING. We were in the same room, on the same day, just with a break in the middle. As if that is not crazy enough that we were meeting someone SO VERY SIMILAR to our situation, the husband who does home improvement type construction is doing work right now on my doctors house. He (my doctor) knew that this couple was also expecting a baby & asked him how things were going with that just 2 days before & he had to give him the bad news. Friedman then told him that they had a similar situation happen at the practice just last month. CRAZY that they then met us 2 days later.
As you read this you may think I sound incredibly happy over what I'm sharing with you -- that I'm overly happy that there is another couple going through what we are going through & that there is something morbid in that but that's not it at all. I am happy that I have put my faith & trust in God & this is how He shows me He hears me & is working. No one else could have orchestrated such a meeting. I still have no idea what His plan is or why it has worked out the way it has..but I know His plan is in motion & we just have to be open to it. We will get there eventually.
I like to think that their baby girl was waiting at the gates of Heaven for Caleb to arrive.
I think I've hit you (or myself) with enough for now..I'll share more about what I took away from the Grief group in a later post.
much love. xoxo. CCF <3
It is time for another blogpost today because so much unbelievable (to me) stuff happened yesterday that I feel like I just have to share it.
Last night we had our first "Grief" group at Crossroads church. Matt & I had seen the information about the group in the church bulletin a few weeks ago & we always knew we wanted to somehow get more involved in the church but never knew where or what & then the other big kicker was when -- we were always SO good at putting things off. However, given our situation, it felt more like there was no way we could not do this & we had to do it now. I went online that evening & registered before I gave myself the chance to change my mind or put it off any further.
Let me just say -- it is AMAZING & maybe even part freaky the way God works. After I signed up for the group, one of the leaders e-mailed asking for our information. I replied back & told her the key answers to her questions -- who we were grieving & when we lost them. She replied back & told me that her heart broke for us & that there was another couple facing a similar situation around the same timeframe. I will admit that did make me feel a lot better. When we first signed up I was worried it would be either all older people grieving a spouse or something to that effect & that maybe we wouldn't connect the same way. So last night, even walking in the room & having the other couple pointed out to us, I still kind of thought (sorry guys if you are reading this…) that I doubt that they went through anything like what we went through. Clearly Satan was trying his best to keep me close minded & for awhile, it worked. We eventually broke off into smaller "like loss" groups where you'd break off with others who suffered your same loss of a spouse, loss of a child, etc. Once they had realized there were 2 couples going through our same type of loss, they asked a special leader to come in who had also faced a loss like ours so our group was the smallest of the small I believe with 5 of us in total. 2 couples, 1 leader. We started out by sharing our stories & for the next hour or so it was unreal the things we uncovered.
Here's how it shakes down:
They were 38 weeks pregnant when they lost their baby girl the DAY before us. She delivered at the same hospital -- in the same room!! She delivered naturally, so she was sent home Thursday MORNING. We were in the same room, on the same day, just with a break in the middle. As if that is not crazy enough that we were meeting someone SO VERY SIMILAR to our situation, the husband who does home improvement type construction is doing work right now on my doctors house. He (my doctor) knew that this couple was also expecting a baby & asked him how things were going with that just 2 days before & he had to give him the bad news. Friedman then told him that they had a similar situation happen at the practice just last month. CRAZY that they then met us 2 days later.
As you read this you may think I sound incredibly happy over what I'm sharing with you -- that I'm overly happy that there is another couple going through what we are going through & that there is something morbid in that but that's not it at all. I am happy that I have put my faith & trust in God & this is how He shows me He hears me & is working. No one else could have orchestrated such a meeting. I still have no idea what His plan is or why it has worked out the way it has..but I know His plan is in motion & we just have to be open to it. We will get there eventually.
I like to think that their baby girl was waiting at the gates of Heaven for Caleb to arrive.
I think I've hit you (or myself) with enough for now..I'll share more about what I took away from the Grief group in a later post.
much love. xoxo. CCF <3
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Day vs. Night
"That is what this experience feels like. Ripping my heart out over & over & over..
Every time I watch the video of the NILMDTS pictures..it RIPS my heart out. I just want my baby back. I would do anything to have my baby back. I know it's selfish & I don't care. Why did he have to die?
Everyone keeps saying they are in awe of our faith & our strength or amazed by how well we are doing -- it's all a fake."
This was a blog post I started the other night around 11 pm. It's amazing the difference between night & day. My attitude towards the situation kind of changes with the settings of the day. I'm writing this blog post now at 1:20 in the afternoon & I'm doing ok. I have Henry & Evelyn around to keep my spirits light -- then the night comes, the "dark" sets in if you will & it kind of feels that same way around my heart. The dark is when I seem to cry the most, to feel the most amount of pain.
I have to give my sister-in-law Amy some serious shout outs in here today..she gave me some very good advice that has stuck with me & turned a few points of sadness into happier moments. I may have already shared it in a previous post but I'm going to share it again. A few weeks ago I did share that we took the family on a quick trip to Gatlinburg to try & get away for a few days .. well, while we were there I had a pretty hardcore breakdown because my favorite store in GB happens to be an embroidery type store (who doesn't love having their name on EVERYTHING!?…ha just kidding…maybe) & I walked it & it was Caleb, Caleb, Caleb everything..baby blankets, picture frames, you name it, they had it. I tried as hard as I could to walk a little further into the store to try & fight it but it didn't work. I ran out insanely upset & just had to cry. I text Amy to share my #gatlinburgfail because Amy is familiar with the store & knew exactly what I was referring to. She gave me a lengthy response back but the short of it said to consider that messages from Caleb, letting you know he's with you & he's thinking of you, too. Turns out..he's thinking of me a lot & I love it. Our neighbors house is for sale & as any noisy neighbor would do, I looked it up on Sibcy Cline (don't act like you are above it) & the name on the child's room was Caleb. I saw a post on FB the other day for another baby boy born named Caleb. Those are just a few of the more recent ways he's shown himself to me..
As some of you follow me on Facebook, you may have seen that I did something I never, ever thought I would do. I got inked!
Every time I watch the video of the NILMDTS pictures..it RIPS my heart out. I just want my baby back. I would do anything to have my baby back. I know it's selfish & I don't care. Why did he have to die?
Everyone keeps saying they are in awe of our faith & our strength or amazed by how well we are doing -- it's all a fake."
This was a blog post I started the other night around 11 pm. It's amazing the difference between night & day. My attitude towards the situation kind of changes with the settings of the day. I'm writing this blog post now at 1:20 in the afternoon & I'm doing ok. I have Henry & Evelyn around to keep my spirits light -- then the night comes, the "dark" sets in if you will & it kind of feels that same way around my heart. The dark is when I seem to cry the most, to feel the most amount of pain.
I have to give my sister-in-law Amy some serious shout outs in here today..she gave me some very good advice that has stuck with me & turned a few points of sadness into happier moments. I may have already shared it in a previous post but I'm going to share it again. A few weeks ago I did share that we took the family on a quick trip to Gatlinburg to try & get away for a few days .. well, while we were there I had a pretty hardcore breakdown because my favorite store in GB happens to be an embroidery type store (who doesn't love having their name on EVERYTHING!?…ha just kidding…maybe) & I walked it & it was Caleb, Caleb, Caleb everything..baby blankets, picture frames, you name it, they had it. I tried as hard as I could to walk a little further into the store to try & fight it but it didn't work. I ran out insanely upset & just had to cry. I text Amy to share my #gatlinburgfail because Amy is familiar with the store & knew exactly what I was referring to. She gave me a lengthy response back but the short of it said to consider that messages from Caleb, letting you know he's with you & he's thinking of you, too. Turns out..he's thinking of me a lot & I love it. Our neighbors house is for sale & as any noisy neighbor would do, I looked it up on Sibcy Cline (don't act like you are above it) & the name on the child's room was Caleb. I saw a post on FB the other day for another baby boy born named Caleb. Those are just a few of the more recent ways he's shown himself to me..
As some of you follow me on Facebook, you may have seen that I did something I never, ever thought I would do. I got inked!
Amy has been encouraging (let's call it that…) me to get a tattoo for a long while & to be honest, I am the biggest wimp when it comes to things. The idea of actively seeking out a needle ripping my skin (Amy's description of the pain pre-tattoo) to permanently mark my body with something I may or may not love in 6 years let alone 6 months…thanks, but no thanks. Then after all of this happened, I thought more & more about how permanent this situation is & how I want some way to always, always, always remember & have Caleb close to me. I never want him or his memory to fade away. I know the pain will never go away but I never want a day to go by that I don't think about him in some way, shape, or form. This sounds dumb but the girl in the movie Divergent gets a tattoo on her chest of what looks like 3 birds flying. I actually liked the tattoo when I saw it & thought that there may be some cool way to shape that into something I wanted. I then went very unique & googled "bird tattoos" & tonsssss came up. I found one similar to what I got above .. it was more on a telephone wire & the birds looked a little different. The artist, Jason, at Mothers in Covington took my picture & tweaked it the way I wanted. I wanted the two birds to look more like they were on a tree than on a line & I wanted distinct difference in size on the birds on the tree -- you probably already get it but in case you don't..the bigger bird represents Henry & the smaller bird is Evelyn. Note that I also love the way "Henry" is looking over at Evelyn & his head is almost completely above hers as if he is protecting her. The bird flying away is our sweet angel baby Caleb.
I even love the tattoo enough that when we meet with the cemetery on Saturday to discuss his headstone I want to have this imagine etched on there..that way we have something to share besides just our name.
Keeping this verse close to my heart:
Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Thanks for reading .. much love to you all! xoxoxo
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Monday, September 8th
Well… #realtalk. Tomorrow sucks.
Tomorrow at 9 am would have been the time baby Caleb would have been born if everything had gone according to my plan. (catch that? MY plan.) This weekend has been exceptionally tough knowing that this day is just coming.
Here's part of the reason why:
It just so happens that I watched an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians today..let me tell you, NOT a show I normally watch. I sincerely can not stand to watch the show for so so so many reasons but some odd reason reason today, I just needed a mindless distraction. How'd that go for me you ask? OH…it just so happened to be the episode where Kim gave birth to her baby girl. Right? Awful enough as it is? Someone experiencing the beautiful joy in having a baby & what not. Just wait..it gets better. DID YOU KNOW: That Kim gave birth to her baby girl at 35 weeks? Huh…coincidence. OR that she gave birth at 35 weeks because she had toxemia?! HUH..how bout that. So that was awesome… she got her blood work done & the next day they called her to confirm she was toxemic & they were inducing her that day. SO LET'S REFLECT -- when I went to the doctor on MONDAY & we suspected toxemia…we were waiting to do a blood draw until FRIDAY. When we COULD have drawn it on MONDAY, confirmed toxemia on TUESDAY & potentially delivered baby Caleb & avoided this whole heaping hot mess?! (Yeah..mom..if you are reading this..you were right) Here's why I'm bringing this up -- granted yes it sent me through a loop of what ifs this afternoon & a weepy blubbery mess. The end result can't be changed at this point. Am I beyond mad that they didn't draw my blood on Monday right away to get something going? Absolutely. Lesson learned on my part..but YOU out there who is reading this & is pregnant..DO NOT LET THEM WAIT. If you suspect something is wrong -- get it moving THAT DAY, that INSTANT. My signs again were high blood pressure (Kim's too -- 155/100), weight gain (17 lbs in 4 weeks), swollen monster feet, protein in your sample, pain/discomfort in your right side rib cage, & blurry/spotty vision..keep those things in mind. Watch for the signs & ask questions -- even if you are only showing 1 symptom.
So with tomorrow looming & my anger seen/felt from above..Matt & I have been on the absolute edge with each other all weekend. I bit his head off today because he asked me if someone brought us these brownies or if I made them. It's pretty sad to say the least..
There is some good to be seen for tomorrow though. I have a wonderful group of friends who are having a girls night to celebrate a birthday & just have a group hang. The date couldn't be better because again..any distraction will be much appreciated.
Over the last few weeks, one of the messages I am absolutely positive that God has been weighing on me is to appreciate what I have in front of me. Life goes according to HIS plan, not MY plan (aka life is HIS blueprint -- words from RN Kate :)) I don't know if I've said enough how grateful I am for everything everyone has done for our family over the last 3 & a half weeks but I really & truly am. When I think of the generosity of people lately, it's like my heart is so full you prick it with the least bit of generosity & it bursts & I flood out tears of joy. It makes me think of this song (I've posted the lyrics before .. I've put in bold a part that especially hits home for us if you change the word father to baby & a link to youtube if you want to have a listen). I believe the words strongly correlate to our bible study group who have been an amazing group of friends but beyond that -- to everyone helping us. You are a cloud of witnesses to what the beauty of God's gracious & merciful love is like. Tomorrow is going to suck..but we know with all the love of our family, friends, & even strangers…we will make it through.
"Cloud Of Witnesses"
Tomorrow at 9 am would have been the time baby Caleb would have been born if everything had gone according to my plan. (catch that? MY plan.) This weekend has been exceptionally tough knowing that this day is just coming.
Here's part of the reason why:
It just so happens that I watched an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians today..let me tell you, NOT a show I normally watch. I sincerely can not stand to watch the show for so so so many reasons but some odd reason reason today, I just needed a mindless distraction. How'd that go for me you ask? OH…it just so happened to be the episode where Kim gave birth to her baby girl. Right? Awful enough as it is? Someone experiencing the beautiful joy in having a baby & what not. Just wait..it gets better. DID YOU KNOW: That Kim gave birth to her baby girl at 35 weeks? Huh…coincidence. OR that she gave birth at 35 weeks because she had toxemia?! HUH..how bout that. So that was awesome… she got her blood work done & the next day they called her to confirm she was toxemic & they were inducing her that day. SO LET'S REFLECT -- when I went to the doctor on MONDAY & we suspected toxemia…we were waiting to do a blood draw until FRIDAY. When we COULD have drawn it on MONDAY, confirmed toxemia on TUESDAY & potentially delivered baby Caleb & avoided this whole heaping hot mess?! (Yeah..mom..if you are reading this..you were right) Here's why I'm bringing this up -- granted yes it sent me through a loop of what ifs this afternoon & a weepy blubbery mess. The end result can't be changed at this point. Am I beyond mad that they didn't draw my blood on Monday right away to get something going? Absolutely. Lesson learned on my part..but YOU out there who is reading this & is pregnant..DO NOT LET THEM WAIT. If you suspect something is wrong -- get it moving THAT DAY, that INSTANT. My signs again were high blood pressure (Kim's too -- 155/100), weight gain (17 lbs in 4 weeks), swollen monster feet, protein in your sample, pain/discomfort in your right side rib cage, & blurry/spotty vision..keep those things in mind. Watch for the signs & ask questions -- even if you are only showing 1 symptom.
So with tomorrow looming & my anger seen/felt from above..Matt & I have been on the absolute edge with each other all weekend. I bit his head off today because he asked me if someone brought us these brownies or if I made them. It's pretty sad to say the least..
There is some good to be seen for tomorrow though. I have a wonderful group of friends who are having a girls night to celebrate a birthday & just have a group hang. The date couldn't be better because again..any distraction will be much appreciated.
Over the last few weeks, one of the messages I am absolutely positive that God has been weighing on me is to appreciate what I have in front of me. Life goes according to HIS plan, not MY plan (aka life is HIS blueprint -- words from RN Kate :)) I don't know if I've said enough how grateful I am for everything everyone has done for our family over the last 3 & a half weeks but I really & truly am. When I think of the generosity of people lately, it's like my heart is so full you prick it with the least bit of generosity & it bursts & I flood out tears of joy. It makes me think of this song (I've posted the lyrics before .. I've put in bold a part that especially hits home for us if you change the word father to baby & a link to youtube if you want to have a listen). I believe the words strongly correlate to our bible study group who have been an amazing group of friends but beyond that -- to everyone helping us. You are a cloud of witnesses to what the beauty of God's gracious & merciful love is like. Tomorrow is going to suck..but we know with all the love of our family, friends, & even strangers…we will make it through.
"Cloud Of Witnesses"
We watched them runnin' down the aisles,
Children's time, Sunday morning.
The preacher asked them who they loved,
They all smiled and started pointing to their mom,
Their dad,
The teacher from their kindergarten class;
And each and every one
Had just come from
A cloud of witnesses
That would see them through the years
Cheer them with a smile
And pray them through the tears
A cloud of witnesses that would see them to the end,
And shower them with love that never ends
A cloud of witnesses.
They stuck together through the years,
The best of friends faith could foster
So when they found out one of them
Had heard the news
He'd lost his father,
They ran to him
And prayed and put their hands upon his head,
And slowly one by one
They'd all become
A cloud of witnesses
As they sent above a prayer
They took a hold of hands and
circled 'round a friend
A cloud of witnesses with a faith just like a rock,
They helped him give his father back to God
As a cloud of witnesses
So when it comes the time
That heaven calls
They'll come running to see the ones who've gone before,
And made the journey home to find waiting for them at the finish line,
Cheerin happily they will run
and they will see
A could of witnesses
Lined up on a street of gold
As they run the final mile.
That leads them to a throne.
And through the cloud of witnesses
They see God upon the throne.
And as they fall into His arms,
They know they're home in
A cloud of witnesses,
Surrounded by a could of witnesses.
We watched them runnin down the aisles
Children's time
Sunday morning.
Children's time, Sunday morning.
The preacher asked them who they loved,
They all smiled and started pointing to their mom,
Their dad,
The teacher from their kindergarten class;
And each and every one
Had just come from
A cloud of witnesses
That would see them through the years
Cheer them with a smile
And pray them through the tears
A cloud of witnesses that would see them to the end,
And shower them with love that never ends
A cloud of witnesses.
They stuck together through the years,
The best of friends faith could foster
So when they found out one of them
Had heard the news
He'd lost his father,
They ran to him
And prayed and put their hands upon his head,
And slowly one by one
They'd all become
A cloud of witnesses
As they sent above a prayer
They took a hold of hands and
circled 'round a friend
A cloud of witnesses with a faith just like a rock,
They helped him give his father back to God
As a cloud of witnesses
So when it comes the time
That heaven calls
They'll come running to see the ones who've gone before,
And made the journey home to find waiting for them at the finish line,
Cheerin happily they will run
and they will see
A could of witnesses
Lined up on a street of gold
As they run the final mile.
That leads them to a throne.
And through the cloud of witnesses
They see God upon the throne.
And as they fall into His arms,
They know they're home in
A cloud of witnesses,
Surrounded by a could of witnesses.
We watched them runnin down the aisles
Children's time
Sunday morning.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blgvgtdYoKc
<3 CCF
Much love.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
I've lost my flow..
It's been awhile since I've made a post to the blog.
It's not for lack of thought or even lack of effort. I've found myself on this site with a post started, a paragraph written & the pain all the sudden taking over. It would take over & there was no way I could finish. The pain has seemed to get a lot deeper over the last few weeks. The days may be more spread apart when I have the breakdown but when it hits, it hits hard.
I also feel like with my emotions all over the place that any thought or feeling I try to express on here comes out as a hot mess..so bare with me.
Last week we took the kids down to Gatlinburg for 2 nights in hopes of giving us all a little bit of a mental break & try to have some fun. I will admit, it did give us the break from our minds but Matt & I quickly realized we were just going through the motions. It doesn't feel right to be happy. A big piece of our hearts & lives is just gone -- & has only been gone for 2 weeks at that point? We know it's something we are going to have to work on.
We went to church on Saturday night & found in the program a big section on community groups & one of the community groups is an 8 week group on Grief. After talking about things on Monday, we determined we needed to do something because for each of us, the pain wasn't going away & it didn't seem easier to deal with. It just feels like it hurts a little more & we don't know how to overcome. We start those on the 25th of September.
As it has been since our tragic loss, we are overwhelmed with gratitude for everything people have been doing for us. Again with the meals & all of the donations on the gofundme site -- we have been so well taken care of & appreciate it all so much. On top of all those items, people have been sending us items to keep Caleb close to our hearts. I wanted to share a few photos of the items because they've been so special to me.
I truly love each & every one of these items. They are things I never would have thought to get for myself & yet so many things to keep Caleb with us.
Again -- this blog is turning into my giant thank you note. We are so grateful for everything everyone has done for us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It's not for lack of thought or even lack of effort. I've found myself on this site with a post started, a paragraph written & the pain all the sudden taking over. It would take over & there was no way I could finish. The pain has seemed to get a lot deeper over the last few weeks. The days may be more spread apart when I have the breakdown but when it hits, it hits hard.
I also feel like with my emotions all over the place that any thought or feeling I try to express on here comes out as a hot mess..so bare with me.
Last week we took the kids down to Gatlinburg for 2 nights in hopes of giving us all a little bit of a mental break & try to have some fun. I will admit, it did give us the break from our minds but Matt & I quickly realized we were just going through the motions. It doesn't feel right to be happy. A big piece of our hearts & lives is just gone -- & has only been gone for 2 weeks at that point? We know it's something we are going to have to work on.
We went to church on Saturday night & found in the program a big section on community groups & one of the community groups is an 8 week group on Grief. After talking about things on Monday, we determined we needed to do something because for each of us, the pain wasn't going away & it didn't seem easier to deal with. It just feels like it hurts a little more & we don't know how to overcome. We start those on the 25th of September.
As it has been since our tragic loss, we are overwhelmed with gratitude for everything people have been doing for us. Again with the meals & all of the donations on the gofundme site -- we have been so well taken care of & appreciate it all so much. On top of all those items, people have been sending us items to keep Caleb close to our hearts. I wanted to share a few photos of the items because they've been so special to me.
I truly love each & every one of these items. They are things I never would have thought to get for myself & yet so many things to keep Caleb with us.
Again -- this blog is turning into my giant thank you note. We are so grateful for everything everyone has done for us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Thursday, August 21st
One week ago.
How has it already been a week?
It felt like the shortest amount of time yet the longest week of my life. It took us 7 days to finally get to the day we could lay baby Caleb to rest.
His burial service was set to begin at 1 pm at Graceland Cemetery off Deerfield in Milford.
Thanks to Evans Funeral Home, we were able to see our baby one more time before the burial service. We went down to Evans around 12 & were able to see him at peace in his casket with all the items we had taken for him. Henry sent a Percy train, Evelyn sent a lovie (one she had stealthily stole from Don & Irene's house…but it worked. It had been a lovie all the grandkids had used), Matt & I both wrote Caleb letters, & he had his giraffe Matt & I gave him right before we left the hospital. He was dressed in a set of jammies Matt & I had bought before he was born & he was wrapped in a blanket we had all set for his arrival. He looked so incredibly beautiful. He almost looked like a baby doll just resting there. It hurt like hell. We just sat with him, cried, prayed over him for about 45 minutes before they told us it was time to take him to the service. I will never forget the feeling of having to walk away from my baby for the last time. I kissed his sweet angel baby face & almost ran out of the room. I knew if I didn't get out of there quick, I wouldn't get out of there at all.
We rode to the service in pretty much silence. I tried my best to make the tears stop falling before we got to the service. The service was beautiful. There were only a few moments in the service that I seemed to lose my cool. Aaron & Cory acted as paul bearers bringing baby Caleb in -- this was one of those moments. Pastor Edwards did a wonderful job..he read a poem his wife wrote for us (which I will post later). At the end of the service, we had a balloon release where each person could write a message & attach it to a balloon. This was the moment I really lost it. As soon as we let our messages go I couldn't hold it in anymore. My baby was gone.
Later that night we had our open house in memory of Caleb. To be honest, I didn't know how it would turn out. I wasn't all that sure many people would come. How shocked was I. Not only by the overall outpouring of love but by the first & almost last people who made an appearance. The very first person who came in to the church was no one other than MOLLY. I had no idea she would be there. Her coming alone made my night. My sister said her timing could not have been more perfect because I was able to get out a lot of my tears at the very beginning & keep myself composed the rest of the night. Molly -- I now know you are reading this. :) You have no idea how much it meant to me (& to Matt) that you came. I hope you felt it in the death grip hug I gave you & when I didn't seem to let go. You are one very special individual. I know that I could never do what you do & do it with as much grace, compassion, & love as you do. Molly also told me that Kate would be coming later once they switched shifts at the hospital. Again..having that to look forward to..my heart was full. 3 people from that moment on could have shown up & I would have been happy. But that's NOT what happened. Instead, so so so so so many of you came. Family, friends, coworkers…everyone. There was hardly a moment during that 2 hours that Matt & I weren't hugging someone & thanking them for coming. Everyone kept asking if I needed a chair or wanted me to sit down. Quite frankly, it was fine by me. I wanted to hug every single person that came to pay their respects to sweet baby Caleb. I said it that night & I'll say it again -- he was lucky enough to never have to feel the pain, heartache, or nastiness of this world but he was unlucky in having never met all of those who loved him. I know he was looking down from Heaven smiling. Kate AND Joann ended up showing up!!!! It was wonderful. You will hear more about Kate & Joann in later posts..
So this is the start of some serious gratitude coming from me. Matt & I can not thank EVERYONE who has been helping us out over the last few days. The meals -- Jessica, Alicia, Tessa, Christina & Gareth, Sarah.., the general family care -- mom, Don, Irene, Amy, Aaron, Cory, Angela, Sarah, Emily, Jess…, the moral support from countless people..people we know & even people we don't know, & the donations …
Our Go Fund Me set up by Amy Fine
When Amy asked if she could set this up for us..we didn't really feel right about it. We knew what we were getting ourselves into when we were pregnant (granted…the pregnancy was a bit of an accident & we did not have ourselves set with the proper insurance for having a baby)..we felt like it was our financial responsibility. We talked & prayed about what to do in this situation..we knew we were going to be on an uphill battle & after talking it out with a few people, we felt maybe it was worth a shot. A lot of people had asked how they could help & if other people wanted to help bare our burdens, then they would do so willingly & for that we would be grateful. Anything over & above what our medical costs were & we would donate the rest in Caleb's name to the March of Dimes. Even though we said that, we didn't really expect the kind of response we got! Sitting here now as I type this blog that go fund me is at $4,795. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! My heart hurts from this generosity. I am crying tears of joy over people & what you have done for us. My mother in law said to us last night that we have one awesome group of friends & that is so beyond true. We are so very lucky to have each & every one of you as a part of our lives. I do not know how we would be getting through this without you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you from the very bottom of our hearts.
How has it already been a week?
It felt like the shortest amount of time yet the longest week of my life. It took us 7 days to finally get to the day we could lay baby Caleb to rest.
His burial service was set to begin at 1 pm at Graceland Cemetery off Deerfield in Milford.
Thanks to Evans Funeral Home, we were able to see our baby one more time before the burial service. We went down to Evans around 12 & were able to see him at peace in his casket with all the items we had taken for him. Henry sent a Percy train, Evelyn sent a lovie (one she had stealthily stole from Don & Irene's house…but it worked. It had been a lovie all the grandkids had used), Matt & I both wrote Caleb letters, & he had his giraffe Matt & I gave him right before we left the hospital. He was dressed in a set of jammies Matt & I had bought before he was born & he was wrapped in a blanket we had all set for his arrival. He looked so incredibly beautiful. He almost looked like a baby doll just resting there. It hurt like hell. We just sat with him, cried, prayed over him for about 45 minutes before they told us it was time to take him to the service. I will never forget the feeling of having to walk away from my baby for the last time. I kissed his sweet angel baby face & almost ran out of the room. I knew if I didn't get out of there quick, I wouldn't get out of there at all.
We rode to the service in pretty much silence. I tried my best to make the tears stop falling before we got to the service. The service was beautiful. There were only a few moments in the service that I seemed to lose my cool. Aaron & Cory acted as paul bearers bringing baby Caleb in -- this was one of those moments. Pastor Edwards did a wonderful job..he read a poem his wife wrote for us (which I will post later). At the end of the service, we had a balloon release where each person could write a message & attach it to a balloon. This was the moment I really lost it. As soon as we let our messages go I couldn't hold it in anymore. My baby was gone.
Amy managed to snap this photo on her phone for us & when we got back to our car there was a message with it that said "Beauty in times of sadness." She later posted the picture to Facebook & with it wrote a message that I've decided to put on his headstone. "We wanted to teach you how to walk, but you learned how to fly."
Later that night we had our open house in memory of Caleb. To be honest, I didn't know how it would turn out. I wasn't all that sure many people would come. How shocked was I. Not only by the overall outpouring of love but by the first & almost last people who made an appearance. The very first person who came in to the church was no one other than MOLLY. I had no idea she would be there. Her coming alone made my night. My sister said her timing could not have been more perfect because I was able to get out a lot of my tears at the very beginning & keep myself composed the rest of the night. Molly -- I now know you are reading this. :) You have no idea how much it meant to me (& to Matt) that you came. I hope you felt it in the death grip hug I gave you & when I didn't seem to let go. You are one very special individual. I know that I could never do what you do & do it with as much grace, compassion, & love as you do. Molly also told me that Kate would be coming later once they switched shifts at the hospital. Again..having that to look forward to..my heart was full. 3 people from that moment on could have shown up & I would have been happy. But that's NOT what happened. Instead, so so so so so many of you came. Family, friends, coworkers…everyone. There was hardly a moment during that 2 hours that Matt & I weren't hugging someone & thanking them for coming. Everyone kept asking if I needed a chair or wanted me to sit down. Quite frankly, it was fine by me. I wanted to hug every single person that came to pay their respects to sweet baby Caleb. I said it that night & I'll say it again -- he was lucky enough to never have to feel the pain, heartache, or nastiness of this world but he was unlucky in having never met all of those who loved him. I know he was looking down from Heaven smiling. Kate AND Joann ended up showing up!!!! It was wonderful. You will hear more about Kate & Joann in later posts..
So this is the start of some serious gratitude coming from me. Matt & I can not thank EVERYONE who has been helping us out over the last few days. The meals -- Jessica, Alicia, Tessa, Christina & Gareth, Sarah.., the general family care -- mom, Don, Irene, Amy, Aaron, Cory, Angela, Sarah, Emily, Jess…, the moral support from countless people..people we know & even people we don't know, & the donations …
Our Go Fund Me set up by Amy Fine
When Amy asked if she could set this up for us..we didn't really feel right about it. We knew what we were getting ourselves into when we were pregnant (granted…the pregnancy was a bit of an accident & we did not have ourselves set with the proper insurance for having a baby)..we felt like it was our financial responsibility. We talked & prayed about what to do in this situation..we knew we were going to be on an uphill battle & after talking it out with a few people, we felt maybe it was worth a shot. A lot of people had asked how they could help & if other people wanted to help bare our burdens, then they would do so willingly & for that we would be grateful. Anything over & above what our medical costs were & we would donate the rest in Caleb's name to the March of Dimes. Even though we said that, we didn't really expect the kind of response we got! Sitting here now as I type this blog that go fund me is at $4,795. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! My heart hurts from this generosity. I am crying tears of joy over people & what you have done for us. My mother in law said to us last night that we have one awesome group of friends & that is so beyond true. We are so very lucky to have each & every one of you as a part of our lives. I do not know how we would be getting through this without you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you from the very bottom of our hearts.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Molly & the Hospital Day 2
So I made it through the first few hours post c-section in a very medicated haze. Everyone left -- at what time, I have no idea -- & left Matt & I alone in the hospital in pieces.
Thank God for Molly.
She was the RN assigned to us for our first overnight run & she was A-MAZ-ING. Obviously having been through what we had been through, one could only hope that your nurse & medical staff would be empathetic & understanding but Molly was so much more. She was the backbone to Matt & I that night. She watched over me while the family was there & was monitoring me during all of the blood clotting, taking care of me as a nurse should, but she also was the one to reach out & contact Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to have them come out & take pictures. She was not required to do that at all. This was a group the hospital had used before & she followed them on Facebook so she went out of her way to contact them & have them come. She also took care of Caleb -- she did his footprints & not only did she do 1 or 2 copies for us, she did like 10 so that we could pass them out to all of the family who came to mourn our loss that night. She saw how many people were immediately affected & felt it was only one small thing she could do for us. It was so much more than something small -- this was huge. She was patient & so very gracious. I found myself wanting to cry to her more than anyone else. I almost felt like she would be the one to fix me if there was a way to fix me at all. She made me feel so much better even for the small windows of time that she had an impact. And this was only night one..I found myself asking when she was leaving in the morning if I would get to be in her care again & thanks be to God the answer was yes, she would be back that evening again. It was crazy to feel the sense of relief that washed over me when I knew that I had that to look forward to.
Not only was Molly beyond everything we could imagine, everyone on staff at Bethesda seemed to be. That morning our general anesthesia tech from the evening before stopped in our room to give her condolences & to tell me how wonderfully I had done under the circumstances. She told me I couldn't have done anything more than I had done & that she was so sorry for the way it turned out. Again..this was not something she at all needed or was told to do but she did it on her own. It just went to show Matt & I how much what had happened to us impacted everyone. The entire medical team in the room felt the loss of Caleb & given the circumstance made us feel really really good.
As our day went on, I was still under the morphine pump & stuck with a catheter so I could not move out of bed. This honestly was okay with me. The nurses all told me I should feel like I was hit by a mac truck the way they took to my body during the c-section & I really did. Normally they force you out of bed right at the 12 hour mark post c-section but again, thank God for Molly she left me be. Around 11 am, we finally got to meet with a grief counselor. I was looking so forward to this because I had so many questions. The night before as mentioned in earlier posts all felt like a really bad dream. Caleb still felt like a figment of my imagination -- I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore but the idea of him being a human being & no longer having life still didn't register with me. I didn't know what our next steps should be or what they would look like. I was genuinely looking forward to the guidance this woman would provide. It was a hard meeting -- they talked a lot about our processes of grieving & how we have to give ourselves the time to grieve. We each grieve differently but we have to grieve. They talked a lot about depression over the coming days & how it's almost expected that I would walk away from this depressed or feeling depressed & how I should go about handling it. At the time I thought they were crazy. I mean, yeah it hurt to lose my baby but I was doing ok..I knew I would be ok. (The severity of pain I could not explain will come a little later in the day..) He still wasn't a human being whose life was lost. He was a pregnancy gone wrong at this point. She gave us tips & advise as our meeting went on about how to handle final arrangements. It would be completely up to us. At first, I was very adamant that I did not want a burial service. I didn't want to deal with the idea of burying a baby, seeing the tiny casket, etc etc. I would rather just come to the place he had been laid to rest when it was all over & have a place I could visit later. I was okay with the idea of having an open house for him because of what the GC had mentioned. Give yourself a place where many people can come to you & give yourself a few hours of the pain..the more people who come & pay their respects are one less person you may run into at the grocery store or anywhere else. To those people who see you out & about it may be one time they bring up what happened to you but to you they may be the 3rd person that day or the 5th person that week & it's again a constant reminder of what you've been through. The plan was set in my mind..no need to question it.
Later that day is when reality finally hit.
My sisters Emily & Jess made it down later that afternoon from Columbus. We did our casual visiting at first & they were getting ready to leave to get us some dinner. Before they left, I offered them the opportunity to see Caleb before they left but I was hoping they could go to him. I was terrified of seeing him again & letting all the painful feelings become real again. The nurse gently told me that if they were going to see him, he would have to come to the room with us but it was okay..she could pull a curtain back & I wouldn't have to see him. SLAP to the face. I wouldn't have to see him?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? Get it together, Rachel! This is your baby! You can't NOT see him. Who are you to reject him like that?! He does not deserve that at all. I got my crap together & I told her no..absolutely not. Please bring him in but do not pull the curtain back. I will be fine..he is my baby. So she brought him in. Talk about being hit by a mac truck. I was under far far less meds at this point in the day -- no more morphine, just regular pain medication & I was seeing things much clearer now. I was seeing my baby -- my human being baby who was no longer with us. I saw his sweet face & his sweet head with his little blue hat on. EVERYTHING hit me at once. HOW could I NOT have a burial service for this little boy? He deserved EVERYTHING. I was going to reject him of everything he deserved & that was so not fair. He is my baby & although it hurt like hell, he deserved the world. That was the moment that my tears became tears of reality selfishly crying over the loss of my little baby boy that I would never get back. I just wanted him back. I STILL want him back.
I was so glad I finally felt that pain & was served that dose of reality. Everyone who has been talking about my strength & my being an inspiration have it seriously misconstrued. I tried to ignore this beautiful baby boy who had been a part of me & for that I hate myself. I can only thank God over & over that reality was served & it wasn't too late. That night we asked Don & Irene (Matt's mom & dad) if they would help us in making the arrangements with funeral homes & grave sites as it was encouraged by the GC. They graciously accepted & got us to what we have planned for tomorrow -- a graveside service for immediate family in the afternoon & the open house at Pleasant Hill Baptist Church in Milford from 6-8 pm.
Caleb - I can hardly believe it's already been 6 days. Each day seems to actually get a little bit harder. I kept thinking that each day we got closer to your services would make it a little easier but how wrong I am. I sit in your room now & hold your clothes & it hurts. All I keep telling myself is I want you back. Selfishly. I know you are in such a better place but that doesn't always make me selfish pain any less. I will always want you back. I am so so sorry. I love you. I miss you. <3 Mommy
Thank God for Molly.
She was the RN assigned to us for our first overnight run & she was A-MAZ-ING. Obviously having been through what we had been through, one could only hope that your nurse & medical staff would be empathetic & understanding but Molly was so much more. She was the backbone to Matt & I that night. She watched over me while the family was there & was monitoring me during all of the blood clotting, taking care of me as a nurse should, but she also was the one to reach out & contact Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to have them come out & take pictures. She was not required to do that at all. This was a group the hospital had used before & she followed them on Facebook so she went out of her way to contact them & have them come. She also took care of Caleb -- she did his footprints & not only did she do 1 or 2 copies for us, she did like 10 so that we could pass them out to all of the family who came to mourn our loss that night. She saw how many people were immediately affected & felt it was only one small thing she could do for us. It was so much more than something small -- this was huge. She was patient & so very gracious. I found myself wanting to cry to her more than anyone else. I almost felt like she would be the one to fix me if there was a way to fix me at all. She made me feel so much better even for the small windows of time that she had an impact. And this was only night one..I found myself asking when she was leaving in the morning if I would get to be in her care again & thanks be to God the answer was yes, she would be back that evening again. It was crazy to feel the sense of relief that washed over me when I knew that I had that to look forward to.
Not only was Molly beyond everything we could imagine, everyone on staff at Bethesda seemed to be. That morning our general anesthesia tech from the evening before stopped in our room to give her condolences & to tell me how wonderfully I had done under the circumstances. She told me I couldn't have done anything more than I had done & that she was so sorry for the way it turned out. Again..this was not something she at all needed or was told to do but she did it on her own. It just went to show Matt & I how much what had happened to us impacted everyone. The entire medical team in the room felt the loss of Caleb & given the circumstance made us feel really really good.
As our day went on, I was still under the morphine pump & stuck with a catheter so I could not move out of bed. This honestly was okay with me. The nurses all told me I should feel like I was hit by a mac truck the way they took to my body during the c-section & I really did. Normally they force you out of bed right at the 12 hour mark post c-section but again, thank God for Molly she left me be. Around 11 am, we finally got to meet with a grief counselor. I was looking so forward to this because I had so many questions. The night before as mentioned in earlier posts all felt like a really bad dream. Caleb still felt like a figment of my imagination -- I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore but the idea of him being a human being & no longer having life still didn't register with me. I didn't know what our next steps should be or what they would look like. I was genuinely looking forward to the guidance this woman would provide. It was a hard meeting -- they talked a lot about our processes of grieving & how we have to give ourselves the time to grieve. We each grieve differently but we have to grieve. They talked a lot about depression over the coming days & how it's almost expected that I would walk away from this depressed or feeling depressed & how I should go about handling it. At the time I thought they were crazy. I mean, yeah it hurt to lose my baby but I was doing ok..I knew I would be ok. (The severity of pain I could not explain will come a little later in the day..) He still wasn't a human being whose life was lost. He was a pregnancy gone wrong at this point. She gave us tips & advise as our meeting went on about how to handle final arrangements. It would be completely up to us. At first, I was very adamant that I did not want a burial service. I didn't want to deal with the idea of burying a baby, seeing the tiny casket, etc etc. I would rather just come to the place he had been laid to rest when it was all over & have a place I could visit later. I was okay with the idea of having an open house for him because of what the GC had mentioned. Give yourself a place where many people can come to you & give yourself a few hours of the pain..the more people who come & pay their respects are one less person you may run into at the grocery store or anywhere else. To those people who see you out & about it may be one time they bring up what happened to you but to you they may be the 3rd person that day or the 5th person that week & it's again a constant reminder of what you've been through. The plan was set in my mind..no need to question it.
Later that day is when reality finally hit.
My sisters Emily & Jess made it down later that afternoon from Columbus. We did our casual visiting at first & they were getting ready to leave to get us some dinner. Before they left, I offered them the opportunity to see Caleb before they left but I was hoping they could go to him. I was terrified of seeing him again & letting all the painful feelings become real again. The nurse gently told me that if they were going to see him, he would have to come to the room with us but it was okay..she could pull a curtain back & I wouldn't have to see him. SLAP to the face. I wouldn't have to see him?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? Get it together, Rachel! This is your baby! You can't NOT see him. Who are you to reject him like that?! He does not deserve that at all. I got my crap together & I told her no..absolutely not. Please bring him in but do not pull the curtain back. I will be fine..he is my baby. So she brought him in. Talk about being hit by a mac truck. I was under far far less meds at this point in the day -- no more morphine, just regular pain medication & I was seeing things much clearer now. I was seeing my baby -- my human being baby who was no longer with us. I saw his sweet face & his sweet head with his little blue hat on. EVERYTHING hit me at once. HOW could I NOT have a burial service for this little boy? He deserved EVERYTHING. I was going to reject him of everything he deserved & that was so not fair. He is my baby & although it hurt like hell, he deserved the world. That was the moment that my tears became tears of reality selfishly crying over the loss of my little baby boy that I would never get back. I just wanted him back. I STILL want him back.
I was so glad I finally felt that pain & was served that dose of reality. Everyone who has been talking about my strength & my being an inspiration have it seriously misconstrued. I tried to ignore this beautiful baby boy who had been a part of me & for that I hate myself. I can only thank God over & over that reality was served & it wasn't too late. That night we asked Don & Irene (Matt's mom & dad) if they would help us in making the arrangements with funeral homes & grave sites as it was encouraged by the GC. They graciously accepted & got us to what we have planned for tomorrow -- a graveside service for immediate family in the afternoon & the open house at Pleasant Hill Baptist Church in Milford from 6-8 pm.
Caleb - I can hardly believe it's already been 6 days. Each day seems to actually get a little bit harder. I kept thinking that each day we got closer to your services would make it a little easier but how wrong I am. I sit in your room now & hold your clothes & it hurts. All I keep telling myself is I want you back. Selfishly. I know you are in such a better place but that doesn't always make me selfish pain any less. I will always want you back. I am so so sorry. I love you. I miss you. <3 Mommy
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
What actually happened to Caleb?
So yesterday's post pretty much summed up what happened overall on Thursday, August 14th. What it didn't answer was what exactly happened to Caleb. Why didn't he make it?
Honestly, it's a question Matt & I still don't have an answer for…& never really will.
As noted in the previous post, everything happened very quickly. We went into the hospital around 4, I was hooked up to the heart monitor around 4:24, by 5 we were laughing & joking about going home, 5:08 everything went CODE RED, & by 5:23 Caleb had been delivered but was already gone.
They say there are certain things they look for from any baby when they are born during the first 1, 5, & 10 minutes of life (I believe these are the right numbers..however, I was told them while on a lot of different medications…they may not be entirely accurate but they are around the right idea) & Caleb scored 0's on all 4 categories at all 3 intervals. They worked to put in a breathing tube, did chest compressions, & even gave him shots of adrenaline to get some sort of reaction for him. After 30 minutes, they called it & since he had scored 0's on all categories he was deemed a "still birth."
The biggest question here from us is how does that seem fair? He had a heartbeat when we came in to the hospital & he even had a heart beat 20-30 minutes before even though it was declining. What happened in that timeframe that he went from having a heart beat to scoring 0's in each category & no sign of life what so ever?
They gave us little bits of info here & there about things that happened -- when they worked the breathing tube in, it seemed his lungs were stiff & not working properly. This could have been something that happened overtime & could have been a sign of other issues he'd been having. Also, the pH levels in his cord blood were low. They were at like 6.7/6.8 when normal is considered 7.4 or higher. The doctors told us that could be a sign that had Caleb made it, he could have been dealing with other neurological issues down the road. Other things that were possible factors were the gestational diabetes & the possibility of toxemia/preeclampsia. All of these things led the hospital to encourage us to do an autopsy. They told us we didn't have to decide right away but the potential was there for us to get an answer regarding what exactly happened.
Overtime, Matt & I decided not to do an autopsy. We spent time talking to several different nurses who all gave us the same "it's really your decision" but reminded us that we MAY or may NOT get an answer. The answer could also be one of the obvious items like the gestational diabetes. I already have a heavy enough weight to carry in the overall mom guilt that Caleb didn't make it from being inside my body that I wasn't sure I could handle an autopsy coming back & confirming it was something my body had truly done to him. Maybe it was out of my control but that doesn't change the fact that it was my body. We had done certain tests on pivotal organs to make sure from inside the womb there were no signs of concern, i.e. a fetal eco where they do a special ultrasound to watch the heart & zoom in on different areas -- they look to see if they can detect a murmur or holes, etc etc that may have occurred during early development with the gestational diabetes. Each of those tests, although not guaranteed, each produced a result of normalcy & caused no need for further review.
The long story short, whether it was his lungs, his heart, the diabetes, the toxemia…the end result was the same. None of these things were going to bring Caleb back. God has His plan & who are we really to question it? I cry the tears from selfish pain that I will not get to see & hold my sweet baby Caleb but when I really think about it -- how lucky is he. He got an early pass to the Heavenly Gates & he doesn't have to deal with the things of this world. He will never know the pain, heartbreak, & hate that happens here on earth..he is living in light & love for the rest of eternity & I know one day I will see him again.
7
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Honestly, it's a question Matt & I still don't have an answer for…& never really will.
As noted in the previous post, everything happened very quickly. We went into the hospital around 4, I was hooked up to the heart monitor around 4:24, by 5 we were laughing & joking about going home, 5:08 everything went CODE RED, & by 5:23 Caleb had been delivered but was already gone.
They say there are certain things they look for from any baby when they are born during the first 1, 5, & 10 minutes of life (I believe these are the right numbers..however, I was told them while on a lot of different medications…they may not be entirely accurate but they are around the right idea) & Caleb scored 0's on all 4 categories at all 3 intervals. They worked to put in a breathing tube, did chest compressions, & even gave him shots of adrenaline to get some sort of reaction for him. After 30 minutes, they called it & since he had scored 0's on all categories he was deemed a "still birth."
The biggest question here from us is how does that seem fair? He had a heartbeat when we came in to the hospital & he even had a heart beat 20-30 minutes before even though it was declining. What happened in that timeframe that he went from having a heart beat to scoring 0's in each category & no sign of life what so ever?
They gave us little bits of info here & there about things that happened -- when they worked the breathing tube in, it seemed his lungs were stiff & not working properly. This could have been something that happened overtime & could have been a sign of other issues he'd been having. Also, the pH levels in his cord blood were low. They were at like 6.7/6.8 when normal is considered 7.4 or higher. The doctors told us that could be a sign that had Caleb made it, he could have been dealing with other neurological issues down the road. Other things that were possible factors were the gestational diabetes & the possibility of toxemia/preeclampsia. All of these things led the hospital to encourage us to do an autopsy. They told us we didn't have to decide right away but the potential was there for us to get an answer regarding what exactly happened.
Overtime, Matt & I decided not to do an autopsy. We spent time talking to several different nurses who all gave us the same "it's really your decision" but reminded us that we MAY or may NOT get an answer. The answer could also be one of the obvious items like the gestational diabetes. I already have a heavy enough weight to carry in the overall mom guilt that Caleb didn't make it from being inside my body that I wasn't sure I could handle an autopsy coming back & confirming it was something my body had truly done to him. Maybe it was out of my control but that doesn't change the fact that it was my body. We had done certain tests on pivotal organs to make sure from inside the womb there were no signs of concern, i.e. a fetal eco where they do a special ultrasound to watch the heart & zoom in on different areas -- they look to see if they can detect a murmur or holes, etc etc that may have occurred during early development with the gestational diabetes. Each of those tests, although not guaranteed, each produced a result of normalcy & caused no need for further review.
The long story short, whether it was his lungs, his heart, the diabetes, the toxemia…the end result was the same. None of these things were going to bring Caleb back. God has His plan & who are we really to question it? I cry the tears from selfish pain that I will not get to see & hold my sweet baby Caleb but when I really think about it -- how lucky is he. He got an early pass to the Heavenly Gates & he doesn't have to deal with the things of this world. He will never know the pain, heartbreak, & hate that happens here on earth..he is living in light & love for the rest of eternity & I know one day I will see him again.
7
Psalm 121: 7-8
The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Monday, August 18, 2014
I don't know how to start this…so here goes.
I've decided to start a blog. I figure this may be a good way to get all the stories of what's been going on & what will continue to go on out there to everyone so that maybe I can share it once & not have to go through it over, & over, & over.
I figure each day I will try to put a post out here & that will give me some time to be with & think of Caleb & share a little bit of him & his story with you.
So we will start with the beginning. As most of you know, Caleb was a major surprise! A little too much wine in December leads to a baby in September. The news at first of our little bundle of joy was shocking, no doubt, especially since it came about 8 weeks after Aaron & Amy announced we'd be expecting a surprise niece or nephew in July. When Matt & I got that news, we thought - phew! glad it's not us! We will be the rock star Aunt/Uncle as always though! Apparently, God had other plans & gave us a good lesson in karma shortly there after. :)
We were excited though. Cousins close in age, a growing family -- we knew we made pretty awesome kids so we felt very blessed that God would give us another opportunity.
Early on in the pregnancy, similar to the other 2, we suspected I would be dealing with gestational diabetes again. When I was pregnant with Henry, I wasn't tested until the normal 28/29 week marker & got my final "you have it" results around week 32. With Evelyn, when I went in at week 8, the doctor I spoke with said let's just start checking your post meal sugars & see what we get. Well, we got high sugars. So we treated it with medication & diet. Obviously, it wasn't perfect because when Evelyn was born, she went into the special care nursery for the first few days of her life to get her sugars back in balance. That was pretty miserable then so I was very nervous going into this pregnancy that we would have a repeat performance & that was one thing I really wanted to avoid. I spent more time in weekly doctor visits & I pushed for more from the doctors to avoid high sugar issues. I asked if insulin would help & since my sugars seemed to be in an adequate range, then nothing more really needed to be done right then. Everything seemed to be going somewhat smoothly, I'd have my weekly ultrasounds where they would check on the baby & check his weight -- he was measuring to be a big boy (just another Fine/Chapin baby trait -- Henry was 9.14 & Evelyn was 9.01) This past Monday is where things went from somewhat okay to crazy pretty quickly.
Last Monday, August 11th, I went in for another weekly checkup. They had me do my ultrasound where the tech said to me "it looks like he's measuring at 11.7 but he's practicing his breathing & he gets points in each category from me" -- awesome, a good report. So I go in to do my blood pressure test & my weight. My blood pressure came back at 155/100 (woah) & my weight was up 5.5lbs from the previous Monday. Not only was that alarming but I asked the nurse to tell me what my weight gain had been over the last 4 weeks -- 17 lbs. 17 lbs in 4 weeks?!?! Something wasn't right here. I went to do my non stress test where they monitor the babies heart rate over a period of time. What they look for is "reactions" from the baby where his heart rate will increase from movements inside the belly. They typically want to see 3-5 in the span of 30-45 minutes (that being the longest they will wait). This particular day Caleb was being a rockstar. They got 3 good reactions in about 15 minutes & I was set to see the doctor. I went in to meet with my doctor & we did our regular check up. I mentioned to him a few of the issues I had seen -- the weight gain, the swelling in my feet (I could barely get shoes on), the high blood pressure, & then he mentioned to me that there was protein in my urine. All 4 of these items are a sign of toxemia/preeclampsia. He made the decision right then that I would be going on bed rest & it was up to me if I wanted to go to the hospital for bed rest or home. If I were at home the rules were unless I was eating, using the restroom, or showering, I was to be in bed on my left side. I was also scheduled to do a 24 hour urine test where I would collect it all for 24 hours & take it back to the doctor. They would draw my blood to do some final tests regarding the toxemia/preeclampsia. I was set to start that test Thursday morning & turn it in Friday along with the blood tests.
Luckily, my mom had been toxemic with me so she was somewhat familiar with what it meant. She absolutely came to my rescue that week helping take care of the kids & keep me on a salt free diet. She'd bring me breakfast, lunch, & even dinner; she had me check my blood pressure every couple of hours to keep an eye on that. Everything seemed to be going well because my feet were almost back to normal size! YAY! Then Thursday rolls around..
Thursday I was lying in bed & thinking to myself -- I haven't really felt Caleb move much lately. When he would move before, it would be big, obvious movements that you couldn't miss. They were somewhat painful from the size of him & how much space he was taking up. I knew the doctor had made mention to "make sure the baby stays active." I hesitated to make an issue of it at first because I figured to some degree that I'm 35 weeks pregnant, he's a big boy, maybe he's just taking it easy & there is nothing to worry about. And then you get one of those signs that you just can't ignore. I was browsing on Facebook & I saw a post where one of my "friends" commented on to me a complete strangers Facebook post. The Facebook post was someones mom posting for the individual stating that the girl had had the baby but unfortunately that baby did not make it. I remember thinking -- holy crap. Of all the things I had been dealing with that week & then any sign of concern I figured, what will it hurt to call. Maybe they will tell me you are being paranoid but at least I would know. So I got on the phone & called the doctor. It was right around 3:30 because I was watching Let's Make a Deal & I was laughing as I was on hold waiting to talk to someone. The doctor came on the phone & I told her my concerns. She sounded very busy but said hey no worries, go on in to the hospital & I will have them do an NST & a BPP. (Ultrasound & heart test..same I would do in the office) So I got myself together, told my mom what was going on, gave Henry a kiss & said "don't worry, I'll be back soon. I'm just going to see the doctor to make sure baby Caleb is okay"
I headed out the door & called Matt on my way. I told him to meet me there just in case. We met at the hospital in the parking lot around 4 pm & headed in. I got checked in & sent back to Triage where I met Joann. She had me get changed into the hospital gown & resting on the bed. She asked me the routine "are you safe at home?" "is there anything we need to know that your husband doesn't know?" etc etc questions & they sent Matt in. They got me hooked up to the heart monitor & there came that beautiful sound that gave me a big sigh of relief. A heartbeat at 153. I even said to Matt "there's his heartbeat…thank God." Joann asked me if I was comfortable because we knew I'd be on the machine for a few minutes & I asked if I could sit up more. I readjusted myself & between my movements & his we lost his heartbeat. She searched around trying to find it for about 3 minutes before giving up & saying to me "do you think you could handle lying on your left side?" & I said yes of course. I readjusted again & she soon found his little heartbeat again. Once she got everything squared away she told me she was going to call my doctor & she would be back in shortly. A few minutes later she came in with a cup of ice chips & said "chew on these. let's see if we can't get this baby to move." I started to eat my ice chips & Matt was messing with the TV. It's now 5 pm & Matt's mom is calling him to see how things are & to see what she can do. Does she need to pick up the kids, etc etc. I tell him no, everything seems fine I'm sure we will be out of here in less than an hour at worst. He gets off the phone with her & we continue to hang out.
Then, I watched on the monitor as Caleb's heart rate started to decrease. It went from 150 to 140, 140 to 120, before I knew it it was below 90 & headed for 70. I somewhat thought to myself that he must have moved & the machine was simply detecting my heartbeat. I started to turn to Matt to ask him to get the nurse when the door busts open & in runs Joann. She rips (& she will admit this) the ice chips out of my hand while saying "give me those" & making a phone call. She's call the resident OB asking him to please come to triage 3117. He starts to ask questions & she firmly says "get to triage 3117 now" & hangs up on him. It's now 5:08 pm. The next thing I know everyone is yelling CODE RED & RED ALERT. At least 10 more people flood into the room, Matt is pushed back against a wall to get out of the way & people are pulling & moving me 8 different ways. Joann is telling me to flip to my right, flip back, I have someone checking my cervix to see if I am dilated, someone else trying to start an IV in my left arm, someone else putting an oxygen mask over my head & Joann is trying to do a portable ultrasound to see what she can see. With the chaos in the room & the noise it's creating she can't get what she needs & just says forget it "We need to move NOW!" The sides of my bed are pulled up, I've got my regular OB in the background yelling "Rachel..I will see you in the OR" & we are on the move. I didn't get to say goodbye to Matt or anything.. I was just gone & he was left in the room. He was moved to a recovery room where he was being told what was going on & that he could not be with me. I was going into an emergency C-Section, I was going to be put to sleep & he would see me when it was over.
All the while I am being rolled down the hallway to the OR trying my best not to cry or hyperventilate not knowing what's going on or what is going to happen. I come into an OR where several people are running around & more yelling. I get myself onto the OR table & all 4 limbs are being pulled in 4 directions. The IV they had placed blew so they were trying for an IV in each arm again & the anesthesia lady is giving me items to drink, telling me to remain calm everything is going to be ok. I've got someone sticking the catheter in & prepping my belly for surgery all at once. Cap is on, IV is finally in, & gas mask is on. Before I know it I am saying "Please take care of my baby" & then I am out. The next thing I know I am back awake being held down by Joann & am yelling "what happened, where is he, is everything ok?!" & Joann calls for the OB to come over. My doctor got right next to my head as I will still on the OR table & was telling me that Caleb had not made it. I'm sure he said a lot of things but the things I heard was they "did everything they could .. they tried for over 30 minutes but he just didn't make it" Then Matt is there & our foreheads are pressed together & all I could do was cry & tell him how sorry I was. I felt like I had killed his baby. I couldn't breathe & I couldn't handle everything going on. Everything else the rest of the night felt like a really bad dream. I was in & out from the general anesthesia & so everything came in waves. I woke up again in recovery & suddenly my mom was there. She had been with the kids so where she came from I had no idea. All I knew now was my mother in law was with the kids. Then I woke up in a private room & both of my in laws & my mom were there. Then I was out again & Amy was there. They had started to let everyone hold Caleb & were asking me if I wanted to hold him. I fought it at first & said no because I felt like it was all a bad dream. I just needed to wake up from the bad dream & I would go back to being pregnant & home on bed rest. The whole nightmare would be over. Throughout the process I lost a lot of blood. I had my RN Molly very worried while all of this was going on because I became increasingly more pale & I wasn't making sentences. They said I sounded drunk more than anything between the tears/crying, the anesthesia & the blood loss. The OB came in to check on me again & found I had several blood clots causing me a lot of issues. They were actually able to go in & pull some out & as they did that, things started to come together a little more clearly. I started to get back some color & I was actually making sentences. I was finally able to hold Caleb & it hurt like hell. I cried to him & apologized to his beautiful face. I couldn't help but feel like I had failed him -- something I had done or not done did this to him because I carried him in my body & I did him wrong. He was my little baby & now he was gone.
The rest of the night carried on like a blur. I was still in & out -- the hospital brought in a company by the name of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to take pictures & family continued to come in & out to see us. Eventually everyone went home & Matt & I were left to ourselves to grieve the loss of our little boy. Thank God for our RN Molly who was with us that night. She was beyond gracious & helpful to us. Understanding of what we were going through. She came in to check on me constantly & listen to me anytime I wanted to talk. (More on her & all the RN's later)
And that was night 1. Hands down the worst night of my life. The severity of what happened & the reality of it hadn't even truly hit yet..that would come over the next several days.
And this was a message on Joel Osteen Ministries page this morning:
"Just because you’re a person of faith doesn’t exempt you from difficulties. The enemy may hit you with his best shot, but because your house is built on the rock, his best will never be enough. When the storm is over, you’ll come out stronger, increased, promoted, better off than you were before."
I've decided to start a blog. I figure this may be a good way to get all the stories of what's been going on & what will continue to go on out there to everyone so that maybe I can share it once & not have to go through it over, & over, & over.
I figure each day I will try to put a post out here & that will give me some time to be with & think of Caleb & share a little bit of him & his story with you.
So we will start with the beginning. As most of you know, Caleb was a major surprise! A little too much wine in December leads to a baby in September. The news at first of our little bundle of joy was shocking, no doubt, especially since it came about 8 weeks after Aaron & Amy announced we'd be expecting a surprise niece or nephew in July. When Matt & I got that news, we thought - phew! glad it's not us! We will be the rock star Aunt/Uncle as always though! Apparently, God had other plans & gave us a good lesson in karma shortly there after. :)
We were excited though. Cousins close in age, a growing family -- we knew we made pretty awesome kids so we felt very blessed that God would give us another opportunity.
Early on in the pregnancy, similar to the other 2, we suspected I would be dealing with gestational diabetes again. When I was pregnant with Henry, I wasn't tested until the normal 28/29 week marker & got my final "you have it" results around week 32. With Evelyn, when I went in at week 8, the doctor I spoke with said let's just start checking your post meal sugars & see what we get. Well, we got high sugars. So we treated it with medication & diet. Obviously, it wasn't perfect because when Evelyn was born, she went into the special care nursery for the first few days of her life to get her sugars back in balance. That was pretty miserable then so I was very nervous going into this pregnancy that we would have a repeat performance & that was one thing I really wanted to avoid. I spent more time in weekly doctor visits & I pushed for more from the doctors to avoid high sugar issues. I asked if insulin would help & since my sugars seemed to be in an adequate range, then nothing more really needed to be done right then. Everything seemed to be going somewhat smoothly, I'd have my weekly ultrasounds where they would check on the baby & check his weight -- he was measuring to be a big boy (just another Fine/Chapin baby trait -- Henry was 9.14 & Evelyn was 9.01) This past Monday is where things went from somewhat okay to crazy pretty quickly.
Last Monday, August 11th, I went in for another weekly checkup. They had me do my ultrasound where the tech said to me "it looks like he's measuring at 11.7 but he's practicing his breathing & he gets points in each category from me" -- awesome, a good report. So I go in to do my blood pressure test & my weight. My blood pressure came back at 155/100 (woah) & my weight was up 5.5lbs from the previous Monday. Not only was that alarming but I asked the nurse to tell me what my weight gain had been over the last 4 weeks -- 17 lbs. 17 lbs in 4 weeks?!?! Something wasn't right here. I went to do my non stress test where they monitor the babies heart rate over a period of time. What they look for is "reactions" from the baby where his heart rate will increase from movements inside the belly. They typically want to see 3-5 in the span of 30-45 minutes (that being the longest they will wait). This particular day Caleb was being a rockstar. They got 3 good reactions in about 15 minutes & I was set to see the doctor. I went in to meet with my doctor & we did our regular check up. I mentioned to him a few of the issues I had seen -- the weight gain, the swelling in my feet (I could barely get shoes on), the high blood pressure, & then he mentioned to me that there was protein in my urine. All 4 of these items are a sign of toxemia/preeclampsia. He made the decision right then that I would be going on bed rest & it was up to me if I wanted to go to the hospital for bed rest or home. If I were at home the rules were unless I was eating, using the restroom, or showering, I was to be in bed on my left side. I was also scheduled to do a 24 hour urine test where I would collect it all for 24 hours & take it back to the doctor. They would draw my blood to do some final tests regarding the toxemia/preeclampsia. I was set to start that test Thursday morning & turn it in Friday along with the blood tests.
Luckily, my mom had been toxemic with me so she was somewhat familiar with what it meant. She absolutely came to my rescue that week helping take care of the kids & keep me on a salt free diet. She'd bring me breakfast, lunch, & even dinner; she had me check my blood pressure every couple of hours to keep an eye on that. Everything seemed to be going well because my feet were almost back to normal size! YAY! Then Thursday rolls around..
Thursday I was lying in bed & thinking to myself -- I haven't really felt Caleb move much lately. When he would move before, it would be big, obvious movements that you couldn't miss. They were somewhat painful from the size of him & how much space he was taking up. I knew the doctor had made mention to "make sure the baby stays active." I hesitated to make an issue of it at first because I figured to some degree that I'm 35 weeks pregnant, he's a big boy, maybe he's just taking it easy & there is nothing to worry about. And then you get one of those signs that you just can't ignore. I was browsing on Facebook & I saw a post where one of my "friends" commented on to me a complete strangers Facebook post. The Facebook post was someones mom posting for the individual stating that the girl had had the baby but unfortunately that baby did not make it. I remember thinking -- holy crap. Of all the things I had been dealing with that week & then any sign of concern I figured, what will it hurt to call. Maybe they will tell me you are being paranoid but at least I would know. So I got on the phone & called the doctor. It was right around 3:30 because I was watching Let's Make a Deal & I was laughing as I was on hold waiting to talk to someone. The doctor came on the phone & I told her my concerns. She sounded very busy but said hey no worries, go on in to the hospital & I will have them do an NST & a BPP. (Ultrasound & heart test..same I would do in the office) So I got myself together, told my mom what was going on, gave Henry a kiss & said "don't worry, I'll be back soon. I'm just going to see the doctor to make sure baby Caleb is okay"
I headed out the door & called Matt on my way. I told him to meet me there just in case. We met at the hospital in the parking lot around 4 pm & headed in. I got checked in & sent back to Triage where I met Joann. She had me get changed into the hospital gown & resting on the bed. She asked me the routine "are you safe at home?" "is there anything we need to know that your husband doesn't know?" etc etc questions & they sent Matt in. They got me hooked up to the heart monitor & there came that beautiful sound that gave me a big sigh of relief. A heartbeat at 153. I even said to Matt "there's his heartbeat…thank God." Joann asked me if I was comfortable because we knew I'd be on the machine for a few minutes & I asked if I could sit up more. I readjusted myself & between my movements & his we lost his heartbeat. She searched around trying to find it for about 3 minutes before giving up & saying to me "do you think you could handle lying on your left side?" & I said yes of course. I readjusted again & she soon found his little heartbeat again. Once she got everything squared away she told me she was going to call my doctor & she would be back in shortly. A few minutes later she came in with a cup of ice chips & said "chew on these. let's see if we can't get this baby to move." I started to eat my ice chips & Matt was messing with the TV. It's now 5 pm & Matt's mom is calling him to see how things are & to see what she can do. Does she need to pick up the kids, etc etc. I tell him no, everything seems fine I'm sure we will be out of here in less than an hour at worst. He gets off the phone with her & we continue to hang out.
Then, I watched on the monitor as Caleb's heart rate started to decrease. It went from 150 to 140, 140 to 120, before I knew it it was below 90 & headed for 70. I somewhat thought to myself that he must have moved & the machine was simply detecting my heartbeat. I started to turn to Matt to ask him to get the nurse when the door busts open & in runs Joann. She rips (& she will admit this) the ice chips out of my hand while saying "give me those" & making a phone call. She's call the resident OB asking him to please come to triage 3117. He starts to ask questions & she firmly says "get to triage 3117 now" & hangs up on him. It's now 5:08 pm. The next thing I know everyone is yelling CODE RED & RED ALERT. At least 10 more people flood into the room, Matt is pushed back against a wall to get out of the way & people are pulling & moving me 8 different ways. Joann is telling me to flip to my right, flip back, I have someone checking my cervix to see if I am dilated, someone else trying to start an IV in my left arm, someone else putting an oxygen mask over my head & Joann is trying to do a portable ultrasound to see what she can see. With the chaos in the room & the noise it's creating she can't get what she needs & just says forget it "We need to move NOW!" The sides of my bed are pulled up, I've got my regular OB in the background yelling "Rachel..I will see you in the OR" & we are on the move. I didn't get to say goodbye to Matt or anything.. I was just gone & he was left in the room. He was moved to a recovery room where he was being told what was going on & that he could not be with me. I was going into an emergency C-Section, I was going to be put to sleep & he would see me when it was over.
All the while I am being rolled down the hallway to the OR trying my best not to cry or hyperventilate not knowing what's going on or what is going to happen. I come into an OR where several people are running around & more yelling. I get myself onto the OR table & all 4 limbs are being pulled in 4 directions. The IV they had placed blew so they were trying for an IV in each arm again & the anesthesia lady is giving me items to drink, telling me to remain calm everything is going to be ok. I've got someone sticking the catheter in & prepping my belly for surgery all at once. Cap is on, IV is finally in, & gas mask is on. Before I know it I am saying "Please take care of my baby" & then I am out. The next thing I know I am back awake being held down by Joann & am yelling "what happened, where is he, is everything ok?!" & Joann calls for the OB to come over. My doctor got right next to my head as I will still on the OR table & was telling me that Caleb had not made it. I'm sure he said a lot of things but the things I heard was they "did everything they could .. they tried for over 30 minutes but he just didn't make it" Then Matt is there & our foreheads are pressed together & all I could do was cry & tell him how sorry I was. I felt like I had killed his baby. I couldn't breathe & I couldn't handle everything going on. Everything else the rest of the night felt like a really bad dream. I was in & out from the general anesthesia & so everything came in waves. I woke up again in recovery & suddenly my mom was there. She had been with the kids so where she came from I had no idea. All I knew now was my mother in law was with the kids. Then I woke up in a private room & both of my in laws & my mom were there. Then I was out again & Amy was there. They had started to let everyone hold Caleb & were asking me if I wanted to hold him. I fought it at first & said no because I felt like it was all a bad dream. I just needed to wake up from the bad dream & I would go back to being pregnant & home on bed rest. The whole nightmare would be over. Throughout the process I lost a lot of blood. I had my RN Molly very worried while all of this was going on because I became increasingly more pale & I wasn't making sentences. They said I sounded drunk more than anything between the tears/crying, the anesthesia & the blood loss. The OB came in to check on me again & found I had several blood clots causing me a lot of issues. They were actually able to go in & pull some out & as they did that, things started to come together a little more clearly. I started to get back some color & I was actually making sentences. I was finally able to hold Caleb & it hurt like hell. I cried to him & apologized to his beautiful face. I couldn't help but feel like I had failed him -- something I had done or not done did this to him because I carried him in my body & I did him wrong. He was my little baby & now he was gone.
The rest of the night carried on like a blur. I was still in & out -- the hospital brought in a company by the name of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to take pictures & family continued to come in & out to see us. Eventually everyone went home & Matt & I were left to ourselves to grieve the loss of our little boy. Thank God for our RN Molly who was with us that night. She was beyond gracious & helpful to us. Understanding of what we were going through. She came in to check on me constantly & listen to me anytime I wanted to talk. (More on her & all the RN's later)
And that was night 1. Hands down the worst night of my life. The severity of what happened & the reality of it hadn't even truly hit yet..that would come over the next several days.
And this was a message on Joel Osteen Ministries page this morning:
"Just because you’re a person of faith doesn’t exempt you from difficulties. The enemy may hit you with his best shot, but because your house is built on the rock, his best will never be enough. When the storm is over, you’ll come out stronger, increased, promoted, better off than you were before."
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