I blame it on the fact that this past month has been the hardest time of dealing with our loss that I've experienced. I went back to work on Tuesday the 14th & that was miserable. Every part of it. Leaving my kids, leaving my "safe space," leaving the open amount of time to just be sad whenever I wanted or felt like being sad. Having to see customers & other people I work with who knew what happened or better yet, who didn't know what happened & would ask you "how's the new baby?!" People have been giving their condolences & I have no idea what to do other than smile & say thank you. Every time I feel like it makes me crazy…why am I smiling? I don't want to be smiling. I also don't really want to be saying thank you but it's taking everything in me not to instantly start crying.
I will say on the other side of that (yes..I am a roller coaster. Up one minute & down the next) that I do prefer it when people acknowledge it vs. skate around it. If you want to ask me how I am or say that you are sorry..then say it. Don't dance around it & ask me how my "children" are. I know that could be implying just how are Henry & Evelyn but of course in my head I'm thinking..are you asking about Caleb?! It does show someone that you care enough to ask even if you are scared for how it might make them feel. It means more to know you remember him & what happened & want to ask vs. you not asking & thus looking like you don't care. We will tell you flat out if we don't want to talk about it because maybe that is where we are emotionally but that doesn't mean it's anything against you. I guarantee we pocket the fact that you asked so that when we do feel ready to talk or feel like we need someone to talk..you, who cared, will be one of the first people we turn to. It will also make those days where I feel like I have to fake being okay fewer & far between..
Henry & Evelyn have been the lights of our lives lately.
My first day back to work I had to drive to Columbus for a meeting. It was a rainy, ugly day..right in line with my attitude. However, when I looked in my side mirror I saw this rainbow. Since behind me was my home & where sweet Caleb is, I like to think that it's where my pot of gold is. <3Things that have been happening in our life…we've had some bad days. Some really, really bad days. There seem to be more "ok" days now then bad days. We wouldn't say they are great days but they aren't the really bad days so they are ok. We've been going to our grief group every Thursday night. We are actually 6 weeks in now & only have 2 meetings left. I can honestly say I have enjoyed my time in them very very much & I am not at all looking forward to the 8 weeks being over. I feel like we have come a long way since starting in the group & I know it's because God put us there on purpose. We've met some people who I know we needed in our lives & who are people we will get to share the rest of this life with..with a similar scar & deep connection. They will help give us strength in times when we need it. I am so thankful for that.
Some things I've learned since being in the grief group is that 1. We are not entitled. The day I heard that, I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. Another reason why God had put me there. To stop selfishly asking why God was punishing us by taking our baby or better yet, just punishing me but to remember that everything we are given in life is a blessing. The people, the material, the time..it is all a blessing. I was never entitled to be Caleb's mommy..I was never entitled to have children at all. I was never entitled to the loving husband I have. 2. You can't blame God & expect him to save you at the same time. 3. (this wasn't grief group but still..) We are not immune. Bad things do happen to good people. Death was never in God's plan - he didn't want this for us but it happened. For the last few weeks of my pregnancy & then even more so after Caleb was born, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like some other big life alerting bomb was going to go off. You hear so much about people getting terminal illnesses at any age, but especially the young ages -- families with young children. It may be just as common as it has always been but now there is social media for the whole world to see/hear what is going on in other peoples lives. Every single day you hear on the news or read online something terrible happening to people & it kept feeling like something else was going to happen. (Again) Why were we being punished? What message are we supposed to be getting? How much more pain will we have to endure? TOTAL CRAP feelings in my opinion. I am not immune, we are not immune. But every day that I put my anxiety ahead of my faith, I was only proving to myself that I wasn't giving God my full & total trust. Coming to that realization helped ease some of my anxiety that something terrible was going to happen.
"13 Now listen, you who say,
'today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city,
spend a year there, carry on business & make money.'
14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life?
You are a mist that appears for a little while & then vanishes.
15 Instead, you out to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live & do this or that.'"
James 4:13-15
"7 Cast all your anxiety on Him who cares for you"
1 Peter 5:7
"10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will STRENGTHEN you and HELP you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
Anyway..this has gotten a little lengthy & has sent my emotions all over the place again. I do want to share one other thing before I sign off. I can not thank every one enough who donated to our go fund me site. Our last grief meeting we talked about ways to begin healing & one of the ways was to accept help. Again, when we set up the site we had a really hard time with it. Very awkward, foreign feelings about it. But when it came down to it, seeing that outpouring of not even the dollars but the love of 110+ donors was so unreal. I have tears running down my face now as I even type this. You have no idea what it meant to us & the impact it would have. We've already paid out over $6,000 in medical bills plus another & $1,600 for our sweet boy's headstone. Our lives would be in a much greater place of despair if it hadn't been for everyone's generosity.
"2 Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ"
We WILL pay it forward.
Sweet baby, Caleb...not a day goes by that I don't think about you, cry for you, wish like crazy that you were here. I miss you so much...I long for the day when we will meet again. Until then, sweet boy..I will see you in my dreams. I love you! xoxo -Mommy
CCF <3
