Thursday, August 21st

One week ago.

How has it already been a week?

It felt like the shortest amount of time yet the longest week of my life. It took us 7 days to finally get to the day we could lay baby Caleb to rest.

His burial service was set to begin at 1 pm at Graceland Cemetery off Deerfield in Milford.

Thanks to Evans Funeral Home, we were able to see our baby one more time before the burial service. We went down to Evans around 12 & were able to see him at peace in his casket with all the items we had taken for him. Henry sent a Percy train, Evelyn sent a lovie (one she had stealthily stole from Don & Irene's house…but it worked. It had been a lovie all the grandkids had used), Matt & I both wrote Caleb letters, & he had his giraffe Matt & I gave him right before we left the hospital. He was dressed in a set of jammies Matt & I had bought before he was born & he was wrapped in a blanket we had all set for his arrival. He looked so incredibly beautiful. He almost looked like a baby doll just resting there. It hurt like hell. We just sat with him, cried, prayed over him for about 45 minutes before they told us it was time to take him to the service. I will never forget the feeling of having to walk away from my baby for the last time. I kissed his sweet angel baby face & almost ran out of the room. I knew if I didn't get out of there quick, I wouldn't get out of there at all.

We rode to the service in pretty much silence. I tried my best to make the tears stop falling before we got to the service. The service was beautiful. There were only a few moments in the service that I seemed to lose my cool. Aaron & Cory acted as paul bearers bringing baby Caleb in -- this was one of those moments. Pastor Edwards did a wonderful job..he read a poem his wife wrote for us (which I will post later). At the end of the service, we had a balloon release where each person could write a message & attach it to a balloon. This was the moment I really lost it. As soon as we let our messages go I couldn't hold it in anymore. My baby was gone.

Amy managed to snap this photo on her phone for us & when we got back to our car there was a message with it that said "Beauty in times of sadness." She later posted the picture to Facebook & with it wrote a message that I've decided to put on his headstone. "We wanted to teach you how to walk, but you learned how to fly."

Later that night we had our open house in memory of Caleb. To be honest, I didn't know how it would turn out. I wasn't all that sure many people would come. How shocked was I. Not only by the overall outpouring of love but by the first & almost last people who made an appearance. The very first person who came in to the church was no one other than MOLLY. I had no idea she would be there. Her coming alone made my night. My sister said her timing could not have been more perfect because I was able to get out a lot of my tears at the very beginning & keep myself composed the rest of the night. Molly -- I now know you are reading this. :) You have no idea how much it meant to me (& to Matt) that you came. I hope you felt it in the death grip hug I gave you & when I didn't seem to let go. You are one very special individual. I know that I could never do what you do & do it with as much grace, compassion, & love as you do. Molly also told me that Kate would be coming later once they switched shifts at the hospital. Again..having that to look forward to..my heart was full. 3 people from that moment on could have shown up & I would have been happy. But that's NOT what happened. Instead, so so so so so many of you came. Family, friends, coworkers…everyone. There was hardly a moment during that 2 hours that Matt & I weren't hugging someone & thanking them for coming. Everyone kept asking if I needed a chair or wanted me to sit down. Quite frankly, it was fine by me. I wanted to hug every single person that came to pay their respects to sweet baby Caleb. I said it that night & I'll say it again -- he was lucky enough to never have to feel the pain, heartache, or nastiness of this world but he was unlucky in having never met all of those who loved him. I know he was looking down from Heaven smiling. Kate AND Joann ended up showing up!!!! It was wonderful. You will hear more about Kate & Joann in later posts..

So this is the start of some serious gratitude coming from me. Matt & I can not thank EVERYONE who has been helping us out over the last few days. The meals -- Jessica, Alicia, Tessa, Christina & Gareth, Sarah.., the general family care -- mom, Don, Irene, Amy, Aaron, Cory, Angela, Sarah, Emily, Jess…, the moral support from countless people..people we know & even people we don't know, & the donations …

Our Go Fund Me set up by Amy Fine

When Amy asked if she could set this up for us..we didn't really feel right about it. We knew what we were getting ourselves into when we were pregnant (granted…the pregnancy was a bit of an accident & we did not have ourselves set with the proper insurance for having a baby)..we felt like it was our financial responsibility. We talked & prayed about what to do in this situation..we knew we were going to be on an uphill battle & after talking it out with a few people, we felt maybe it was worth a shot. A lot of people had asked how they could help & if other people wanted to help bare our burdens, then they would do so willingly & for that we would be grateful. Anything over & above what our medical costs were & we would donate the rest in Caleb's name to the March of Dimes. Even though we said that, we didn't really expect the kind of response we got! Sitting here now as I type this blog that go fund me is at $4,795. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! My heart hurts from this generosity. I am crying tears of joy over people & what you have done for us. My mother in law said to us last night that we have one awesome group of friends & that is so beyond true. We are so very lucky to have each & every one of you as a part of our lives. I do not know how we would be getting through this without you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the very bottom of our hearts.

Molly & the Hospital Day 2

So I made it through the first few hours post c-section in a very medicated haze. Everyone left -- at what time, I have no idea -- & left Matt & I alone in the hospital in pieces.

Thank God for Molly.

She was the RN assigned to us for our first overnight run & she was A-MAZ-ING. Obviously having been through what we had been through, one could only hope that your nurse & medical staff would be empathetic & understanding but Molly was so much more. She was the backbone to Matt & I that night. She watched over me while the family was there & was monitoring me during all of the blood clotting, taking care of me as a nurse should, but she also was the one to reach out & contact Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to have them come out & take pictures. She was not required to do that at all. This was a group the hospital had used before & she followed them on Facebook so she went out of her way to contact them & have them come. She also took care of Caleb -- she did his footprints & not only did she do 1 or 2 copies for us, she did like 10 so that we could pass them out to all of the family who came to mourn our loss that night. She saw how many people were immediately affected & felt it was only one small thing she could do for us. It was so much more than something small -- this was huge. She was patient & so very gracious. I found myself wanting to cry to her more than anyone else. I almost felt like she would be the one to fix me if there was a way to fix me at all. She made me feel so much better even for the small windows of time that she had an impact. And this was only night one..I found myself asking when she was leaving in the morning if I would get to be in her care again & thanks be to God the answer was yes, she would be back that evening again. It was crazy to feel the sense of relief that washed over me when I knew that I had that to look forward to.

Not only was Molly beyond everything we could imagine, everyone on staff at Bethesda seemed to be. That morning our general anesthesia tech from the evening before stopped in our room to give her condolences & to tell me how wonderfully I had done under the circumstances. She told me I couldn't have done anything more than I had done & that she was so sorry for the way it turned out. Again..this was not something she at all needed or was told to do but she did it on her own. It just went to show Matt & I how much what had happened to us impacted everyone. The entire medical team in the room felt the loss of Caleb & given the circumstance made us feel really really good.

As our day went on, I was still under the morphine pump & stuck with a catheter so I could not move out of bed. This honestly was okay with me. The nurses all told me I should feel like I was hit by a mac truck the way they took to my body during the c-section & I really did. Normally they force you out of bed right at the 12 hour mark post c-section but again, thank God for Molly she left me be. Around 11 am, we finally got to meet with a grief counselor. I was looking so forward to this because I had so many questions. The night before as mentioned in earlier posts all felt like a really bad dream. Caleb still felt like a figment of my imagination -- I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore but the idea of him being a human being & no longer having life still didn't register with me. I didn't know what our next steps should be or what they would look like. I was genuinely looking forward to the guidance this woman would provide. It was a hard meeting -- they talked a lot about our processes of grieving & how we have to give ourselves the time to grieve. We each grieve differently but we have to grieve. They talked a lot about depression over the coming days & how it's almost expected that I would walk away from this depressed or feeling depressed & how I should go about handling it. At the time I thought they were crazy. I mean, yeah it hurt to lose my baby but I was doing ok..I knew I would be ok. (The severity of pain I could not explain will come a little later in the day..) He still wasn't a human being whose life was lost. He was a pregnancy gone wrong at this point. She gave us tips & advise as our meeting went on about how to handle final arrangements. It would be completely up to us. At first, I was very adamant that I did not want a burial service. I didn't want to deal with the idea of burying a baby, seeing the tiny casket, etc etc. I would rather just come to the place he had been laid to rest when it was all over & have a place I could visit later. I was okay with the idea of having an open house for him because of what the GC had mentioned. Give yourself a place where many people can come to you & give yourself a few hours of the pain..the more people who come & pay their respects are one less person you may run into at the grocery store or anywhere else. To those people who see you out & about it may be one time they bring up what happened to you but to you they may be the 3rd person that day or the 5th person that week & it's again a constant reminder of what you've been through. The plan was set in my mind..no need to question it.

Later that day is when reality finally hit.

My sisters Emily & Jess made it down later that afternoon from Columbus. We did our casual visiting at first & they were getting ready to leave to get us some dinner. Before they left, I offered them the opportunity to see Caleb before they left but I was hoping they could go to him. I was terrified of seeing him again & letting all the painful feelings become real again. The nurse gently told me that if they were going to see him, he would have to come to the room with us but it was okay..she could pull a curtain back & I wouldn't have to see him. SLAP to the face. I wouldn't have to see him?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? Get it together, Rachel! This is your baby! You can't NOT see him. Who are you to reject him like that?! He does not deserve that at all. I got my crap together & I told her no..absolutely not. Please bring him in but do not pull the curtain back. I will be fine..he is my baby. So she brought him in. Talk about being hit by a mac truck. I was under far far less meds at this point in the day -- no more morphine, just regular pain medication & I was seeing things much clearer now. I was seeing my baby -- my human being baby who was no longer with us. I saw his sweet face & his sweet head with his little blue hat on. EVERYTHING hit me at once. HOW could I NOT have a burial service for this little boy? He deserved EVERYTHING. I was going to reject him of everything he deserved & that was so not fair. He is my baby & although it hurt like hell, he deserved the world. That was the moment that my tears became tears of reality selfishly crying over the loss of my little baby boy that I would never get back. I just wanted him back. I STILL want him back.

I was so glad I finally felt that pain & was served that dose of reality. Everyone who has been talking about my strength & my being an inspiration have it seriously misconstrued. I tried to ignore this beautiful baby boy who had been a part of me & for that I hate myself. I can only thank God over & over that reality was served & it wasn't too late. That night we asked Don & Irene (Matt's mom & dad) if they would help us in making the arrangements with funeral homes & grave sites as it was encouraged by the GC. They graciously accepted & got us to what we have planned for tomorrow -- a graveside service for immediate family in the afternoon & the open house at Pleasant Hill Baptist Church in Milford from 6-8 pm.

Caleb - I can hardly believe it's already been 6 days. Each day seems to actually get a little bit harder. I kept thinking that each day we got closer to your services would make it a little easier but how wrong I am. I sit in your room now & hold your clothes & it hurts. All I keep telling myself is I want you back. Selfishly. I know you are in such a better place but that doesn't always make me selfish pain any less. I will always want you back. I am so so sorry. I love you. I miss you. <3 Mommy

What actually happened to Caleb?

So yesterday's post pretty much summed up what happened overall on Thursday, August 14th. What it didn't answer was what exactly happened to Caleb. Why didn't he make it?

Honestly, it's a question Matt & I still don't have an answer for…& never really will.

As noted in the previous post, everything happened very quickly. We went into the hospital around 4, I was hooked up to the heart monitor around 4:24, by 5 we were laughing & joking about going home, 5:08 everything went CODE RED, & by 5:23 Caleb had been delivered but was already gone.

They say there are certain things they look for from any baby when they are born during the first 1, 5, & 10 minutes of life (I believe these are the right numbers..however, I was told them while on a lot of different medications…they may not be entirely accurate but they are around the right idea) & Caleb scored 0's on all 4 categories at all 3 intervals. They worked to put in a breathing tube, did chest compressions, & even gave him shots of adrenaline to get some sort of reaction for him. After 30 minutes, they called it & since he had scored 0's on all categories he was deemed a "still birth."

The biggest question here from us is how does that seem fair? He had a heartbeat when we came in to the hospital & he even had a heart beat 20-30 minutes before even though it was declining. What happened in that timeframe that he went from having a heart beat to scoring 0's in each category & no sign of life what so ever?

They gave us little bits of info here & there about things that happened -- when they worked the breathing tube in, it seemed his lungs were stiff & not working properly. This could have been something that happened overtime & could have been a sign of other issues he'd been having. Also, the pH levels in his cord blood were low. They were at like 6.7/6.8 when normal is considered 7.4 or higher. The doctors told us that could be a sign that had Caleb made it, he could have been dealing with other neurological issues down the road. Other things that were possible factors were the gestational diabetes & the possibility of toxemia/preeclampsia. All of these things led the hospital to encourage us to do an autopsy. They told us we didn't have to decide right away but the potential was there for us to get an answer regarding what exactly happened.

Overtime, Matt & I decided not to do an autopsy. We spent time talking to several different nurses who all gave us the same "it's really your decision" but reminded us that we MAY or may NOT get an answer. The answer could also be one of the obvious items like the gestational diabetes. I already have a heavy enough weight to carry in the overall mom guilt that Caleb didn't make it from being inside my body that I wasn't sure I could handle an autopsy coming back & confirming it was something my body had truly done to him. Maybe it was out of my control but that doesn't change the fact that it was my body. We had done certain tests on pivotal organs to make sure from inside the womb there were no signs of concern, i.e. a fetal eco where they do a special ultrasound to watch the heart & zoom in on different areas -- they look to see if they can detect a murmur or holes, etc etc that may have occurred during early development with the gestational diabetes. Each of those tests, although not guaranteed, each produced a result of normalcy & caused no need for further review.

The long story short, whether it was his lungs, his heart, the diabetes, the toxemia…the end result was the same. None of these things were going to bring Caleb back. God has His plan & who are we really to question it? I cry the tears from selfish pain that I will not get to see & hold my sweet baby Caleb but when I really think about it -- how lucky is he. He got an early pass to the Heavenly Gates & he doesn't have to deal with the things of this world. He will never know the pain, heartbreak, & hate that happens here on earth..he is living in light & love for the rest of eternity & I know one day I will see him again.

7 

Psalm 121: 7-8

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.   

I don't know how to start this…so here goes.

I've decided to start a blog. I figure this may be a good way to get all the stories of what's been going on & what will continue to go on out there to everyone so that maybe I can share it once & not have to go through it over, & over, & over. 

I figure each day I will try to put a post out here & that will give me some time to be with & think of Caleb & share a little bit of him & his story with you.

So we will start with the beginning. As most of you know, Caleb was a major surprise! A little too much wine in December leads to a baby in September. The news at first of our little bundle of joy was shocking, no doubt, especially since it came about 8 weeks after Aaron & Amy announced we'd be expecting a surprise niece or nephew in July. When Matt & I got that news, we thought - phew! glad it's not us! We will be the rock star Aunt/Uncle as always though! Apparently, God had other plans & gave us a good lesson in karma shortly there after. :) 

We were excited though. Cousins close in age, a growing family -- we knew we made pretty awesome kids so we felt very blessed that God would give us another opportunity. 

Early on in the pregnancy, similar to the other 2, we suspected I would be dealing with gestational diabetes again. When I was pregnant with Henry, I wasn't tested until the normal 28/29 week marker & got my final "you have it" results around week 32. With Evelyn, when I went in at week 8, the doctor I spoke with said let's just start checking your post meal sugars & see what we get. Well, we got high sugars. So we treated it with medication & diet. Obviously, it wasn't perfect because when Evelyn was born, she went into the special care nursery for the first few days of her life to get her sugars back in balance. That was pretty miserable then so I was very nervous going into this pregnancy that we would have a repeat performance & that was one thing I really wanted to avoid. I spent more time in weekly doctor visits & I pushed for more from the doctors to avoid high sugar issues. I asked if insulin would help & since my sugars seemed to be in an adequate range, then nothing more really needed to be done right then. Everything seemed to be going somewhat smoothly, I'd have my weekly ultrasounds where they would check on the baby & check his weight -- he was measuring to be a big boy (just another Fine/Chapin baby trait -- Henry was 9.14 & Evelyn was 9.01) This past Monday is where things went from somewhat okay to crazy pretty quickly.

Last Monday, August 11th, I went in for another weekly checkup. They had me do my ultrasound where the tech said to me "it looks like he's measuring at 11.7 but he's practicing his breathing & he gets points in each category from me" -- awesome, a good report. So I go in to do my blood pressure test & my weight. My blood pressure came back at 155/100 (woah) & my weight was up 5.5lbs from the previous Monday. Not only was that alarming but I asked the nurse to tell me what my weight gain had been over the last 4 weeks -- 17 lbs. 17 lbs in 4 weeks?!?! Something wasn't right here. I went to do my non stress test where they monitor the babies heart rate over a period of time. What they look for is "reactions" from the baby where his heart rate will increase from movements inside the belly. They typically want to see 3-5 in the span of 30-45 minutes (that being the longest they will wait). This particular day Caleb was being a rockstar. They got 3 good reactions in about 15 minutes & I was set to see the doctor. I went in to meet with my doctor & we did our regular check up. I mentioned to him a few of the issues I had seen -- the weight gain, the swelling in my feet (I could barely get shoes on), the high blood pressure, & then he mentioned to me that there was protein in my urine. All 4 of these items are a sign of toxemia/preeclampsia. He made the decision right then that I would be going on bed rest & it was up to me if I wanted to go to the hospital for bed rest or home. If I were at home the rules were unless I was eating, using the restroom, or showering, I was to be in bed on my left side. I was also scheduled to do a 24 hour urine test where I would collect it all for 24 hours & take it back to the doctor. They would draw my blood to do some final tests regarding the toxemia/preeclampsia. I was set to start that test Thursday morning & turn it in Friday along with the blood tests. 

Luckily, my mom had been toxemic with me so she was somewhat familiar with what it meant. She absolutely came to my rescue that week helping take care of the kids & keep me on a salt free diet. She'd bring me breakfast, lunch, & even dinner; she had me check my blood pressure every couple of hours to keep an eye on that. Everything seemed to be going well because my feet were almost back to normal size! YAY! Then Thursday rolls around..

Thursday I was lying in bed & thinking to myself -- I haven't really felt Caleb move much lately. When he would move before, it would be big, obvious movements that you couldn't miss. They were somewhat painful from the size of him & how much space he was taking up. I knew the doctor had made mention to "make sure the baby stays active." I hesitated to make an issue of it at first because I figured to some degree that I'm 35 weeks pregnant, he's a big boy, maybe he's just taking it easy & there is nothing to worry about. And then you get one of those signs that you just can't ignore. I was browsing on Facebook & I saw a post where one of my "friends" commented on to me a complete strangers Facebook post. The Facebook post was someones mom posting for the individual stating that the girl had had the baby but unfortunately that baby did not make it. I remember thinking -- holy crap. Of all the things I had been dealing with that week & then any sign of concern I figured, what will it hurt to call. Maybe they will tell me you are being paranoid but at least I would know. So I got on the phone & called the doctor. It was right around 3:30 because I was watching Let's Make a Deal & I was laughing as I was on hold waiting to talk to someone. The doctor came on the phone & I told her my concerns. She sounded very busy but said hey no worries, go on in to the hospital & I will have them do an NST & a BPP. (Ultrasound & heart test..same I would do in the office) So I got myself together, told my mom what was going on, gave Henry a kiss & said "don't worry, I'll be back soon. I'm just going to see the doctor to make sure baby Caleb is okay"

I headed out the door & called Matt on my way. I told him to meet me there just in case. We met at the hospital in the parking lot around 4 pm & headed in. I got checked in & sent back to Triage where I met Joann. She had me get changed into the hospital gown & resting on the bed. She asked me the routine "are you safe at home?" "is there anything we need to know that your husband doesn't know?" etc etc questions & they sent Matt in. They got me hooked up to the heart monitor & there came that beautiful sound that gave me a big sigh of relief. A heartbeat at 153. I even said to Matt "there's his heartbeat…thank God." Joann asked me if I was comfortable because we knew I'd be on the machine for a few minutes & I asked if I could sit up more. I readjusted myself & between my movements & his we lost his heartbeat. She searched around trying to find it for about 3 minutes before giving up & saying to me "do you think you could handle lying on your left side?" & I said yes of course. I readjusted again & she soon found his little heartbeat again. Once she got everything squared away she told me she was going to call my doctor & she would be back in shortly. A few minutes later she came in with a cup of ice chips & said "chew on these. let's see if we can't get this baby to move." I started to eat my ice chips & Matt was messing with the TV. It's now 5 pm & Matt's mom is calling him to see how things are & to see what she can do. Does she need to pick up the kids, etc etc. I tell him no, everything seems fine I'm sure we will be out of here in less than an hour at worst. He gets off the phone with her & we continue to hang out.

Then, I watched on the monitor as Caleb's heart rate started to decrease. It went from 150 to 140, 140 to 120, before I knew it it was below 90 & headed for 70. I somewhat thought to myself that he must have moved & the machine was simply detecting my heartbeat. I started to turn to Matt to ask him to get the nurse when the door busts open & in runs Joann. She rips (& she will admit this) the ice chips out of my hand while saying "give me those" & making a phone call. She's call the resident OB asking him to please come to triage 3117. He starts to ask questions & she firmly says "get to triage 3117 now" & hangs up on him. It's now 5:08 pm. The next thing I know everyone is yelling CODE RED & RED ALERT. At least 10 more people flood into the room, Matt is pushed back against a wall to get out of the way & people are pulling & moving me 8 different ways. Joann is telling me to flip to my right, flip back, I have someone checking my cervix to see if I am dilated, someone else trying to start an IV in my left arm, someone else putting an oxygen mask over my head & Joann is trying to do a portable ultrasound to see what she can see. With the chaos in the room & the noise it's creating she can't get what she needs & just says forget it "We need to move NOW!" The sides of my bed are pulled up, I've got my regular OB in the background yelling "Rachel..I will see you in the OR" & we are on the move. I didn't get to say goodbye to Matt or anything.. I was just gone & he was left in the room. He was moved to a recovery room where he was being told what was going on & that he could not be with me. I was going into an emergency C-Section, I was going to be put to sleep & he would see me when it was over.

All the while I am being rolled down the hallway to the OR trying my best not to cry or hyperventilate not knowing what's going on or what is going to happen. I come into an OR where several people are running around & more yelling. I get myself onto the OR table & all 4 limbs are being pulled in 4 directions. The IV they had placed blew so they were trying for an IV in each arm again & the anesthesia lady is giving me items to drink, telling me to remain calm everything is going to be ok. I've got someone sticking the catheter in & prepping my belly for surgery all at once. Cap is on, IV is finally in, & gas mask is on. Before I know it I am saying "Please take care of my baby" & then I am out. The next thing I know I am back awake being held down by Joann & am yelling "what happened, where is he, is everything ok?!" & Joann calls for the OB to come over. My doctor got right next to my head as I will still on the OR table & was telling me that Caleb had not made it. I'm sure he said a lot of things but the things I heard was they "did everything they could .. they tried for over 30 minutes but he just didn't make it" Then Matt is there & our foreheads are pressed together & all I could do was cry & tell him how sorry I was. I felt like I had killed his baby. I couldn't breathe & I couldn't handle everything going on. Everything else the rest of the night felt like a really bad dream. I was in & out from the general anesthesia & so everything came in waves. I woke up again in recovery & suddenly my mom was there. She had been with the kids so where she came from I had no idea. All I knew now was my mother in law was with the kids. Then I woke up in a private room & both of my in laws & my mom were there. Then I was out again & Amy was there. They had started to let everyone hold Caleb & were asking me if I wanted to hold him. I fought it at first & said no because I felt like it was all a bad dream. I just needed to wake up from the bad dream & I would go back to being pregnant & home on bed rest. The whole nightmare would be over. Throughout the process I lost a lot of blood. I had my RN Molly very worried while all of this was going on because I became increasingly more pale & I wasn't making sentences. They said I sounded drunk more than anything between the tears/crying, the anesthesia & the blood loss. The OB came in to check on me again & found I had several blood clots causing me a lot of issues. They were actually able to go in & pull some out & as they did that, things started to come together a little more clearly. I started to get back some color & I was actually making sentences. I was finally able to hold Caleb & it hurt like hell. I cried to him & apologized to his beautiful face. I couldn't help but feel like I had failed him -- something I had done or not done did this to him because I carried him in my body & I did him wrong. He was my little baby & now he was gone. 

The rest of the night carried on like a blur. I was still in & out -- the hospital brought in a company by the name of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to take pictures & family continued to come in & out to see us. Eventually everyone went home & Matt & I were left to ourselves to grieve the loss of our little boy. Thank God for our RN Molly who was with us that night. She was beyond gracious & helpful to us. Understanding of what we were going through. She came in to check on me constantly & listen to me anytime I wanted to talk. (More on her & all the RN's later)

And that was night 1. Hands down the worst night of my life. The severity of what happened & the reality of it hadn't even truly hit yet..that would come over the next several days. 

And this was a message on Joel Osteen Ministries page this morning:
"Just because you’re a person of faith doesn’t exempt you from difficulties. The enemy may hit you with his best shot, but because your house is built on the rock, his best will never be enough. When the storm is over, you’ll come out stronger, increased, promoted, better off than you were before."