I can hardly believe another holiday season is among us & we remain without you…
Today…life truly kicked me in the face.
I'd been doing SO well with the fake facade up until today. I mean SO well in fact that I didn't know it was a facade or that it was fake until the wall came crumbling down.
There's no doubt in my mind that I dove head first into trying and trying and trying to give this Christmas. Give from the heart? Spread the "joy"?! I don't know what I thought I would gain from that. Maybe I wouldn't feel the pain this year? Like maybe if I gave my heart away maybe it would help me feel again? Maybe I wouldn't be numb?
When I think about you sweet boy & how you won't be here with our family…that's how I feel. I feel numb, I feel dark. I feel horribly, horribly sad.
What set me off? your Aunt Amy..dang her. ((Amy..I don't really mean for you to feel bad :) I would have been more hurt if you hadn't said it that way..it's just my new reality))
She posted a picture to Facebook about the 12 buddies & 1 angel looking over us at our Buddy Christmas last night.
You should have been there!
I wish I didn't deserve to lose you, sweet boy. I know I took you for granted and for that I am so so sorry.
So many days I wake up & I get out of bed & I'm okay. A day will never go by that I'm better without you. Every day I miss you & wish you were here.
You would have been 16 months old. You would be walking, talking..you would have been playing with Lennon all night last night, probably flashing your belly, smiling, loving getting tickled just like she was.
I. am. so. sorry.
