'Tis The Season...

I can hardly believe another holiday season is among us & we remain without you…

Today…life truly kicked me in the face.

I'd been doing SO well with the fake facade up until today. I mean SO well in fact that I didn't know it was a facade or that it was fake until the wall came crumbling down.

There's no doubt in my mind that I dove head first into trying and trying and trying to give this Christmas. Give from the heart? Spread the "joy"?! I don't know what I thought I would gain from that. Maybe I wouldn't feel the pain this year? Like maybe if I gave my heart away maybe it would help me feel again? Maybe I wouldn't be numb?

When I think about you sweet boy & how you won't be here with our family…that's how I feel. I feel numb, I feel dark. I feel horribly, horribly sad.

What set me off? your Aunt Amy..dang her. ((Amy..I don't really mean for you to feel bad :) I would have been more hurt if you hadn't said it that way..it's just my new reality))

She posted a picture to Facebook about the 12 buddies & 1 angel looking over us at our Buddy Christmas last night.

You should have been there!

I wish I didn't deserve to lose you, sweet boy. I know I took you for granted and for that I am so so sorry.

So many days I wake up & I get out of bed & I'm okay. A day will never go by that I'm better without you. Every day I miss you & wish you were here.

You would have been 16 months old. You would be walking, talking..you would have been playing with Lennon all night last night, probably flashing your belly, smiling, loving getting tickled just like she was.

I. am. so. sorry.

happy. heavenly. birthday.

wow, that hurts to say.

today is really no different than any other day. i still woke up this morning & you still weren't here. but now instead of counting the time we've lost you in days or months…it's now a year.

your brother misses you so much. he was so excited to be your big brother. from the time we told him there was a baby in mommy's belly & he jumped up & down saying "again?!" like he just got promoted or something. i know i've said over & over how lucky you are to skip the pain & heartache of this world, but you really are missing one awesome big brother. he's going in to kindergarten this year & i know he would have taken such good care of you this past year. he never forgets you..he talks about you constantly. it's the sweetest & most painful thing all at the same time.

and i know your sister misses you, too, she just doesn't know how to express it yet. she's a big sister, too. big sister to an angel. we will never let her forget you.

we miss you, sweet boy.
i know you are partying it up with all your angel baby friends in heaven today.
i wish i could hear your laugh, see your smile.

life without you feels incomplete.

happy heavenly birthday, angel. i love you.

Making it count...

It is unbelievable for me to say …. it's almost been one year. Un-stinkin-real. I know if Caleb were here, I would be saying it just as much because we would see how much he's grown. I'm torn between if the year has gone faster than normal years or not….it all just feels like a blur.

But with the one year fast approaching, per our request, some dear friends of ours have put together a "celebration" of sorts for us. Instead of holing up at home & laying in bed all day (for days) & moping, we want to get our friends & family together to make life count & celebrate.

We will always & forever be sad about the sweet baby boy we've lost - there will never come a day when I don't wish he were here.
It's not meant to be a funeral, or even a memorial. It's not meant to be sad - please don't wear black.

Our the reality is…we have friends & family here & now who we will only get to be with for a little while. We have learned that life is much too short and now is our time to make it as sweet as possible. We hope to make this an annual gathering with friends & family to keep our memory of Caleb going..

So we hope you will join us:

Friday, August 14th (yes..the actual one year anniversary) starting at 5:30
Leming Community Park
5951 Buckwheat Rd.
Milford, OH 45150

If your last name falls A-M - please bring a side dish/snack/appetizer to share
If your last name falls N-Z - please bring a dessert to share

Bring some beer or share a coke! BYOC (just in case!)

We love you all so much & thank you for supporting us through hands down the toughest time in our life.

"It ain't yours to throw away"

well….Happy Mother's Day!

I am long overdue for a post & it only seems fitting to do an update on a day like today.

So you're probably wondering…how am I doing?

I'm doing okay. Today wasn't AS hard as I'd anticipated. The days leading up to today were much worse. To say I've been under a lot of stress is an understatement. Working 13 out of 14 days with Mother's Day being your only day off is not the way to go. I thought I would be fine just having Mother's Day off. I had no idea how I would feel Thursday, Friday, & Saturday… It was almost as if I was at stage 1 grief again. Irrational anger - as in I could have (& probably did) snap at someone when I shouldn't have, cursed more people in my mind then necessary (& whose to determine how many is too many??) I pretty much ran out of work Friday before a break down hit (which it did before I even made it to the car) and just walked through each day with a numbness set in. But I had a good support system to help me keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I also heard a song yesterday that kind of pushed me forward as well. It's a song from the show Nashville (& honestly, I don't know if it's an original song or a cover of a song but the show is where I heard it, therefore, they get credit)

I've attached a youtube clip of it. I especially appreciate the "but if you're just a vessel and God gave you something special, it ain't yours to throw away…"


https://youtu.be/6xia2NsRoEk


And I made it to today. This life is not mine to throw away. These beautiful kids I have in my arms & my husband, they aren't mine to throw away. I admit, I spent a lot of time in bed this morning. We could blame that on "the Mother's Day treat" but we could also blame it on me taking the time to be sad. I gave myself the time this morning & I picked myself up with that strength that every woman didn't realize they had until they became a mother.

I also have an amazing work family who I must brag on right now. They surprised me on Saturday with this bracelet that says 'MOM' & then the 3 kids names on a charm & it all came in the circle box that was engraved with Phil 4:13. Beautiful, beautiful & so thoughtful.

This week was also hard from feelings still lingering from last week. His headstone was put in early last week. Matt stopped by after work one day & saw it was in. I stopped a few days later & cried so hard I couldn't really see it. I had to take a picture so I could try to look at it later. I hate it…I hate it, I hate it, I hate it..but I love it. I am "pleased" with the way it turned out. It should be something beautiful for our baby & I feel like they did a great job.

We also did the March of Dimes walk 2 weeks ago. We had an amazing turn out! I could sit here & count the total heads + kids but I won't. It was close to 40 in total & as a group we raised $1,880! It warms my heart to know this many people came out to support Matt & I help try to support other families who've felt our pain or could one day feel our pain. There are countless numbers of you who donated in monetary ways & for you, we are also thankful! You helped keep #teamcalebcassius in the top 20 teams for fundraising! That was awesome! We had beautiful weather for the walk - it was a good day over all! Again - our thanks & love to those who supported us. Shout outs to http://www.allstarsportswear.net for making our shirts!! And to Amy D. for designing them. <3

Alright..that's a wrap for today. 

Carry this with you - 

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;

perplexed, but not in despair;

persecuted, but not abandoned;

STRUCK DOWN, BUT NOT DESTROYED!" - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Missing you everyday, CCF <3

My "raving fan"

Yup…

This post is about you, buddy!

This is how my Saturday starts..pre-9 am. Hanging in my branch myself for a minute because co-worker went to snag Starbucks. I open my e-mail & see an e-mail from Richard Davis.
Subject: "Fw: Employee Spotlight"
My first thought was an assumed "someone else sent this 'from Richard Davis' e-mail company wide" but when I open the e-mail, it starts off "Rachel - ….." Then I think, woah! That's pretty impressive technology the way they made this e-mail specific to me. (old school AIM %n stuff - whose with me?) Next thought - CRAP! It's spam! We got a message from "Jessica" the day before that was spam so, of course, this has to be some sort of spam follow up, right? Please, someone tell me Richard Davis didn't click the link!! I continue reading (why?? I really think my computer is going to melt or explode or something, because this can not be real)
"Rachel -- I wanted to send you a personal note of thanks and admiration."
I'm sorry, WHAT'S THAT NOW?! The e-mail goes on to mention that a name (I will not mention) sent in a very nice message about me..he referred to said individual as a "raving fan"! By paragraph 2, he was explaining how my raving fan had shared with him our tragic loss. He gave his condolences & some other really nice words. Now it's still pre-9 am & I am hysterically crying on the teller line, by myself. I can't seem to figure out if this is the biggest, most elaborate, awful prank someone has ever pulled or what!

Well, it wasn't a prank. It was 100% real. I got an e-mail specific to me, from the company's CEO. You know, the CEO of a bank who employs more than 61,000 people. NBD. It's not like he's got anything better to do than e-mail me on his Friday afternoon/evening. He does that all the time. I even call him "R-Dizzle" we are that tight.

NOT. Are you kidding me??!?!?!

Hands down one of thee coolest things I've ever had happen.

I've won a couple awards, been sent on a trip or two courtesy of US Bank. Whatever -- all great things that can keep a person engaged & motivated to perform with payouts & rewards like that. However, I will tell you…nothing, at all, compares in my opinion to the fact that the man who sits as CEO took the time to send ME a message giving his condolences & telling me he'll be praying for not only me, but Matt, Henry, & Evelyn?! Are you serious?! ("Are you SEEING this right now!?")
There really is no topping that.

So…to you, my raving fan. My thanks truly go to you. In my almost 8 years with the company, it is to my knowledge (& it's highly unlikely) that anyone else has ever done or ever will do again what you did. You did it on your own, with no expectation, & quite frankly, we both know you wanted to go under the radar on it. I appreciate the heck out of you! I may even "bring it in for the real thing" (a hug) the next time I see you. :)

And to my sweet baby Caleb, I see this all coming from you. I'd still give just about anything to have you here…but this is definitely one of those times where it hurts, but it helps. People in high places know about you, sweet boy! I love you, I love you, I love you. I wish you were here. Until I see you again…. <3

Wallowing

Today is just one of those days..

Wallowing is the only way to truly describe it.

I didn't really get my chance on Saturday when he would have been 7 months (I was traveling back from San Antonio a large portion of the day) so I stuck a pin in it.

Speaking of San Antonio..that's where I will start. I found myself having many weak moments. The overall presence of sun, warmth, & perfect blue sky with a nice breeze -- I feel like those are the times I can truly feel Caleb in spirit with me. We took a lot of walks to pass some time & most of those walks paused for a good cry (on my part) & to just say THANK YOU FOR YOUR BEAUTY! There is SUCH beauty to this dark dark world. I also lost my marbles on the plane ride home … so sorry to those on the plane that witnessed that small episode with zero clue where it came from! Sometimes when you open the well..there is just no stopping it.

I stopped by the cemetery on my way home today. Good news is Caleb's headstone is finally here .. bad news is they can't put it in until the weather is better & the ground hardens up. I am anxious in an odd way for them to place it so in my mind I can believe that he is resting in peace. I never know what to take when I visit him…nothing ever seems enough. It's one of the hardest parts about going. Aside from wanting to go nuts on the ground because you think that will bring him back or walking away…gah, walking away is easily THEE hardest part. And I know..I know, I know, I know. That's just where his physical body is. His spirit is in Heaven. I get it, I believe it…but put yourself in that position when your baby boy's physical body is buried in the ground. There is something unrealishly hard about walking away every time..

Anyway..that got pretty heavy.

I do have to say that I am constantly floored by the distance this blog has posted. I honestly started it for myself, not expecting anyone to read it & when I go back & see that the first few posts have 1500-2100 views, it blows my mind. I get notes or messages from people I've never met who've read the blog & have a similar story or just want to say something..so I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to those people. I am grateful to know that I am not alone & that people appreciate when I do share. It's not always easy & I don't always want to do it but other days I feel like I just have to. So thank you for allowing me to do that & being willing to listen.

Segway in..since I know this has reached so many people.. & I know there are SO many people who have gone through something similar, I feel I have to share why I chose to start a team for the March of Dimes walk in April. I know that what happened to Caleb was something fast, intense, & out of anyone but God's control. I don't have false views that maybe the March of Dimes could have/should have helped..but what I do know is who & how they help other families going through this. The reason I want to walk & raise money is to help those babies who get a chance to fight day in & day out…& for the moms & dads of said babies so that they NEVER have to say they have a similar story & know our pain. It is not a pain I would wish on ANYONE. I hope you will consider joining the walk in memory of Caleb but also in honor of the other babies fighting the battle daily…give them a chance to win! And a chance for those moms & dads to take their babies home each day <3 (If those close to me want to walk as a group..please let me know. I'd love to get shirts made in memory of Caleb)

So far we have 6 walkers & $400 raised! My goal is $2500 & countless walkers!

https://www.marchforbabies.org/march/personal_page.asp?pp=5477668&ct=4&w=6961604&u=calebcassiusfine&bt=15&fb_ref=Default

much love, as always
CCF <3

Six months...

Well, they weren't wrong about the holidays. It hurt like you know what. This year was the first year I think I leaned more toward "glad they were over" more than "happy they happened." We got a few little things to remember Caleb by &, of course, each time I would lose it. It was hard & sad, but it was also a happy sad. Sad that he wasn't here but happy that his memory was included in the holiday. I think I would have been more upset after if it hadn't been.

And now tomorrow marks his 6 month Heavenly birthday. We've continued to get through each day with as much strength as we can. But when I think about him, the pain is still the same. It hurts just as much today as it did the day it happened.

And if you were here with me now, sweet boy..you'd be close to sitting up on your own. Probably rolling around like madman. Eating your rice, fruits, & veggies. Giggling & waving your hands up & down out of pure joy. You'd have a killer smile. (I'd know..because I gave it to you. :))

But you're not here. You are somewhere so much better than here. You have the wings of an angel & I feel you here with me every day. What I wouldn't give to have you physically here to hug on, to kiss those chubby cheeks!

These sweet little arms or those adorable little feet.

I know I will see you again & for that I am thankful..but I still am selfishly sad that today is another day that I don't physically have you here.

I made my goal for 2015 to try & be more positive. To really believe that God will bring us good, that He will continue to pour out His blessings from this pain. Not only to just believe it, but to really feel it..let it seep into my skin & begin to truly heal my broken heart. Most days I can hold my head up, believe in the promise that's been made..but on days like today, when I miss you more than my heart can handle, I am weak.

I truly wish you were here, sweet boy! I will love and miss you every day of my life. 

I hope you are dancing in Heaven..for mommy & daddy!  

<3 CCF