Every time I watch the video of the NILMDTS pictures..it RIPS my heart out. I just want my baby back. I would do anything to have my baby back. I know it's selfish & I don't care. Why did he have to die?
Everyone keeps saying they are in awe of our faith & our strength or amazed by how well we are doing -- it's all a fake."
This was a blog post I started the other night around 11 pm. It's amazing the difference between night & day. My attitude towards the situation kind of changes with the settings of the day. I'm writing this blog post now at 1:20 in the afternoon & I'm doing ok. I have Henry & Evelyn around to keep my spirits light -- then the night comes, the "dark" sets in if you will & it kind of feels that same way around my heart. The dark is when I seem to cry the most, to feel the most amount of pain.
I have to give my sister-in-law Amy some serious shout outs in here today..she gave me some very good advice that has stuck with me & turned a few points of sadness into happier moments. I may have already shared it in a previous post but I'm going to share it again. A few weeks ago I did share that we took the family on a quick trip to Gatlinburg to try & get away for a few days .. well, while we were there I had a pretty hardcore breakdown because my favorite store in GB happens to be an embroidery type store (who doesn't love having their name on EVERYTHING!?…ha just kidding…maybe) & I walked it & it was Caleb, Caleb, Caleb everything..baby blankets, picture frames, you name it, they had it. I tried as hard as I could to walk a little further into the store to try & fight it but it didn't work. I ran out insanely upset & just had to cry. I text Amy to share my #gatlinburgfail because Amy is familiar with the store & knew exactly what I was referring to. She gave me a lengthy response back but the short of it said to consider that messages from Caleb, letting you know he's with you & he's thinking of you, too. Turns out..he's thinking of me a lot & I love it. Our neighbors house is for sale & as any noisy neighbor would do, I looked it up on Sibcy Cline (don't act like you are above it) & the name on the child's room was Caleb. I saw a post on FB the other day for another baby boy born named Caleb. Those are just a few of the more recent ways he's shown himself to me..
As some of you follow me on Facebook, you may have seen that I did something I never, ever thought I would do. I got inked!
Amy has been encouraging (let's call it that…) me to get a tattoo for a long while & to be honest, I am the biggest wimp when it comes to things. The idea of actively seeking out a needle ripping my skin (Amy's description of the pain pre-tattoo) to permanently mark my body with something I may or may not love in 6 years let alone 6 months…thanks, but no thanks. Then after all of this happened, I thought more & more about how permanent this situation is & how I want some way to always, always, always remember & have Caleb close to me. I never want him or his memory to fade away. I know the pain will never go away but I never want a day to go by that I don't think about him in some way, shape, or form. This sounds dumb but the girl in the movie Divergent gets a tattoo on her chest of what looks like 3 birds flying. I actually liked the tattoo when I saw it & thought that there may be some cool way to shape that into something I wanted. I then went very unique & googled "bird tattoos" & tonsssss came up. I found one similar to what I got above .. it was more on a telephone wire & the birds looked a little different. The artist, Jason, at Mothers in Covington took my picture & tweaked it the way I wanted. I wanted the two birds to look more like they were on a tree than on a line & I wanted distinct difference in size on the birds on the tree -- you probably already get it but in case you don't..the bigger bird represents Henry & the smaller bird is Evelyn. Note that I also love the way "Henry" is looking over at Evelyn & his head is almost completely above hers as if he is protecting her. The bird flying away is our sweet angel baby Caleb.
I even love the tattoo enough that when we meet with the cemetery on Saturday to discuss his headstone I want to have this imagine etched on there..that way we have something to share besides just our name.
Keeping this verse close to my heart:
Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Thanks for reading .. much love to you all! xoxoxo
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