Tomorrow at 9 am would have been the time baby Caleb would have been born if everything had gone according to my plan. (catch that? MY plan.) This weekend has been exceptionally tough knowing that this day is just coming.
Here's part of the reason why:
It just so happens that I watched an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians today..let me tell you, NOT a show I normally watch. I sincerely can not stand to watch the show for so so so many reasons but some odd reason reason today, I just needed a mindless distraction. How'd that go for me you ask? OH…it just so happened to be the episode where Kim gave birth to her baby girl. Right? Awful enough as it is? Someone experiencing the beautiful joy in having a baby & what not. Just wait..it gets better. DID YOU KNOW: That Kim gave birth to her baby girl at 35 weeks? Huh…coincidence. OR that she gave birth at 35 weeks because she had toxemia?! HUH..how bout that. So that was awesome… she got her blood work done & the next day they called her to confirm she was toxemic & they were inducing her that day. SO LET'S REFLECT -- when I went to the doctor on MONDAY & we suspected toxemia…we were waiting to do a blood draw until FRIDAY. When we COULD have drawn it on MONDAY, confirmed toxemia on TUESDAY & potentially delivered baby Caleb & avoided this whole heaping hot mess?! (Yeah..mom..if you are reading this..you were right) Here's why I'm bringing this up -- granted yes it sent me through a loop of what ifs this afternoon & a weepy blubbery mess. The end result can't be changed at this point. Am I beyond mad that they didn't draw my blood on Monday right away to get something going? Absolutely. Lesson learned on my part..but YOU out there who is reading this & is pregnant..DO NOT LET THEM WAIT. If you suspect something is wrong -- get it moving THAT DAY, that INSTANT. My signs again were high blood pressure (Kim's too -- 155/100), weight gain (17 lbs in 4 weeks), swollen monster feet, protein in your sample, pain/discomfort in your right side rib cage, & blurry/spotty vision..keep those things in mind. Watch for the signs & ask questions -- even if you are only showing 1 symptom.
So with tomorrow looming & my anger seen/felt from above..Matt & I have been on the absolute edge with each other all weekend. I bit his head off today because he asked me if someone brought us these brownies or if I made them. It's pretty sad to say the least..
There is some good to be seen for tomorrow though. I have a wonderful group of friends who are having a girls night to celebrate a birthday & just have a group hang. The date couldn't be better because again..any distraction will be much appreciated.
Over the last few weeks, one of the messages I am absolutely positive that God has been weighing on me is to appreciate what I have in front of me. Life goes according to HIS plan, not MY plan (aka life is HIS blueprint -- words from RN Kate :)) I don't know if I've said enough how grateful I am for everything everyone has done for our family over the last 3 & a half weeks but I really & truly am. When I think of the generosity of people lately, it's like my heart is so full you prick it with the least bit of generosity & it bursts & I flood out tears of joy. It makes me think of this song (I've posted the lyrics before .. I've put in bold a part that especially hits home for us if you change the word father to baby & a link to youtube if you want to have a listen). I believe the words strongly correlate to our bible study group who have been an amazing group of friends but beyond that -- to everyone helping us. You are a cloud of witnesses to what the beauty of God's gracious & merciful love is like. Tomorrow is going to suck..but we know with all the love of our family, friends, & even strangers…we will make it through.
"Cloud Of Witnesses"
We watched them runnin' down the aisles,
Children's time, Sunday morning.
The preacher asked them who they loved,
They all smiled and started pointing to their mom,
Their dad,
The teacher from their kindergarten class;
And each and every one
Had just come from
A cloud of witnesses
That would see them through the years
Cheer them with a smile
And pray them through the tears
A cloud of witnesses that would see them to the end,
And shower them with love that never ends
A cloud of witnesses.
They stuck together through the years,
The best of friends faith could foster
So when they found out one of them
Had heard the news
He'd lost his father,
They ran to him
And prayed and put their hands upon his head,
And slowly one by one
They'd all become
A cloud of witnesses
As they sent above a prayer
They took a hold of hands and
circled 'round a friend
A cloud of witnesses with a faith just like a rock,
They helped him give his father back to God
As a cloud of witnesses
So when it comes the time
That heaven calls
They'll come running to see the ones who've gone before,
And made the journey home to find waiting for them at the finish line,
Cheerin happily they will run
and they will see
A could of witnesses
Lined up on a street of gold
As they run the final mile.
That leads them to a throne.
And through the cloud of witnesses
They see God upon the throne.
And as they fall into His arms,
They know they're home in
A cloud of witnesses,
Surrounded by a could of witnesses.
We watched them runnin down the aisles
Children's time
Sunday morning.
Children's time, Sunday morning.
The preacher asked them who they loved,
They all smiled and started pointing to their mom,
Their dad,
The teacher from their kindergarten class;
And each and every one
Had just come from
A cloud of witnesses
That would see them through the years
Cheer them with a smile
And pray them through the tears
A cloud of witnesses that would see them to the end,
And shower them with love that never ends
A cloud of witnesses.
They stuck together through the years,
The best of friends faith could foster
So when they found out one of them
Had heard the news
He'd lost his father,
They ran to him
And prayed and put their hands upon his head,
And slowly one by one
They'd all become
A cloud of witnesses
As they sent above a prayer
They took a hold of hands and
circled 'round a friend
A cloud of witnesses with a faith just like a rock,
They helped him give his father back to God
As a cloud of witnesses
So when it comes the time
That heaven calls
They'll come running to see the ones who've gone before,
And made the journey home to find waiting for them at the finish line,
Cheerin happily they will run
and they will see
A could of witnesses
Lined up on a street of gold
As they run the final mile.
That leads them to a throne.
And through the cloud of witnesses
They see God upon the throne.
And as they fall into His arms,
They know they're home in
A cloud of witnesses,
Surrounded by a could of witnesses.
We watched them runnin down the aisles
Children's time
Sunday morning.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blgvgtdYoKc
<3 CCF
Much love.
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