Honestly, it's a question Matt & I still don't have an answer for…& never really will.
As noted in the previous post, everything happened very quickly. We went into the hospital around 4, I was hooked up to the heart monitor around 4:24, by 5 we were laughing & joking about going home, 5:08 everything went CODE RED, & by 5:23 Caleb had been delivered but was already gone.
They say there are certain things they look for from any baby when they are born during the first 1, 5, & 10 minutes of life (I believe these are the right numbers..however, I was told them while on a lot of different medications…they may not be entirely accurate but they are around the right idea) & Caleb scored 0's on all 4 categories at all 3 intervals. They worked to put in a breathing tube, did chest compressions, & even gave him shots of adrenaline to get some sort of reaction for him. After 30 minutes, they called it & since he had scored 0's on all categories he was deemed a "still birth."
The biggest question here from us is how does that seem fair? He had a heartbeat when we came in to the hospital & he even had a heart beat 20-30 minutes before even though it was declining. What happened in that timeframe that he went from having a heart beat to scoring 0's in each category & no sign of life what so ever?
They gave us little bits of info here & there about things that happened -- when they worked the breathing tube in, it seemed his lungs were stiff & not working properly. This could have been something that happened overtime & could have been a sign of other issues he'd been having. Also, the pH levels in his cord blood were low. They were at like 6.7/6.8 when normal is considered 7.4 or higher. The doctors told us that could be a sign that had Caleb made it, he could have been dealing with other neurological issues down the road. Other things that were possible factors were the gestational diabetes & the possibility of toxemia/preeclampsia. All of these things led the hospital to encourage us to do an autopsy. They told us we didn't have to decide right away but the potential was there for us to get an answer regarding what exactly happened.
Overtime, Matt & I decided not to do an autopsy. We spent time talking to several different nurses who all gave us the same "it's really your decision" but reminded us that we MAY or may NOT get an answer. The answer could also be one of the obvious items like the gestational diabetes. I already have a heavy enough weight to carry in the overall mom guilt that Caleb didn't make it from being inside my body that I wasn't sure I could handle an autopsy coming back & confirming it was something my body had truly done to him. Maybe it was out of my control but that doesn't change the fact that it was my body. We had done certain tests on pivotal organs to make sure from inside the womb there were no signs of concern, i.e. a fetal eco where they do a special ultrasound to watch the heart & zoom in on different areas -- they look to see if they can detect a murmur or holes, etc etc that may have occurred during early development with the gestational diabetes. Each of those tests, although not guaranteed, each produced a result of normalcy & caused no need for further review.
The long story short, whether it was his lungs, his heart, the diabetes, the toxemia…the end result was the same. None of these things were going to bring Caleb back. God has His plan & who are we really to question it? I cry the tears from selfish pain that I will not get to see & hold my sweet baby Caleb but when I really think about it -- how lucky is he. He got an early pass to the Heavenly Gates & he doesn't have to deal with the things of this world. He will never know the pain, heartbreak, & hate that happens here on earth..he is living in light & love for the rest of eternity & I know one day I will see him again.
7
Psalm 121: 7-8
The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
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