So I made it through the first few hours post c-section in a very medicated haze. Everyone left -- at what time, I have no idea -- & left Matt & I alone in the hospital in pieces.
Thank God for Molly.
She was the RN assigned to us for our first overnight run & she was A-MAZ-ING. Obviously having been through what we had been through, one could only hope that your nurse & medical staff would be empathetic & understanding but Molly was so much more. She was the backbone to Matt & I that night. She watched over me while the family was there & was monitoring me during all of the blood clotting, taking care of me as a nurse should, but she also was the one to reach out & contact Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to have them come out & take pictures. She was not required to do that at all. This was a group the hospital had used before & she followed them on Facebook so she went out of her way to contact them & have them come. She also took care of Caleb -- she did his footprints & not only did she do 1 or 2 copies for us, she did like 10 so that we could pass them out to all of the family who came to mourn our loss that night. She saw how many people were immediately affected & felt it was only one small thing she could do for us. It was so much more than something small -- this was huge. She was patient & so very gracious. I found myself wanting to cry to her more than anyone else. I almost felt like she would be the one to fix me if there was a way to fix me at all. She made me feel so much better even for the small windows of time that she had an impact. And this was only night one..I found myself asking when she was leaving in the morning if I would get to be in her care again & thanks be to God the answer was yes, she would be back that evening again. It was crazy to feel the sense of relief that washed over me when I knew that I had that to look forward to.
Not only was Molly beyond everything we could imagine, everyone on staff at Bethesda seemed to be. That morning our general anesthesia tech from the evening before stopped in our room to give her condolences & to tell me how wonderfully I had done under the circumstances. She told me I couldn't have done anything more than I had done & that she was so sorry for the way it turned out. Again..this was not something she at all needed or was told to do but she did it on her own. It just went to show Matt & I how much what had happened to us impacted everyone. The entire medical team in the room felt the loss of Caleb & given the circumstance made us feel really really good.
As our day went on, I was still under the morphine pump & stuck with a catheter so I could not move out of bed. This honestly was okay with me. The nurses all told me I should feel like I was hit by a mac truck the way they took to my body during the c-section & I really did. Normally they force you out of bed right at the 12 hour mark post c-section but again, thank God for Molly she left me be. Around 11 am, we finally got to meet with a grief counselor. I was looking so forward to this because I had so many questions. The night before as mentioned in earlier posts all felt like a really bad dream. Caleb still felt like a figment of my imagination -- I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore but the idea of him being a human being & no longer having life still didn't register with me. I didn't know what our next steps should be or what they would look like. I was genuinely looking forward to the guidance this woman would provide. It was a hard meeting -- they talked a lot about our processes of grieving & how we have to give ourselves the time to grieve. We each grieve differently but we have to grieve. They talked a lot about depression over the coming days & how it's almost expected that I would walk away from this depressed or feeling depressed & how I should go about handling it. At the time I thought they were crazy. I mean, yeah it hurt to lose my baby but I was doing ok..I knew I would be ok. (The severity of pain I could not explain will come a little later in the day..) He still wasn't a human being whose life was lost. He was a pregnancy gone wrong at this point. She gave us tips & advise as our meeting went on about how to handle final arrangements. It would be completely up to us. At first, I was very adamant that I did not want a burial service. I didn't want to deal with the idea of burying a baby, seeing the tiny casket, etc etc. I would rather just come to the place he had been laid to rest when it was all over & have a place I could visit later. I was okay with the idea of having an open house for him because of what the GC had mentioned. Give yourself a place where many people can come to you & give yourself a few hours of the pain..the more people who come & pay their respects are one less person you may run into at the grocery store or anywhere else. To those people who see you out & about it may be one time they bring up what happened to you but to you they may be the 3rd person that day or the 5th person that week & it's again a constant reminder of what you've been through. The plan was set in my mind..no need to question it.
Later that day is when reality finally hit.
My sisters Emily & Jess made it down later that afternoon from Columbus. We did our casual visiting at first & they were getting ready to leave to get us some dinner. Before they left, I offered them the opportunity to see Caleb before they left but I was hoping they could go to him. I was terrified of seeing him again & letting all the painful feelings become real again. The nurse gently told me that if they were going to see him, he would have to come to the room with us but it was okay..she could pull a curtain back & I wouldn't have to see him. SLAP to the face. I wouldn't have to see him?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? Get it together, Rachel! This is your baby! You can't NOT see him. Who are you to reject him like that?! He does not deserve that at all. I got my crap together & I told her no..absolutely not. Please bring him in but do not pull the curtain back. I will be fine..he is my baby. So she brought him in. Talk about being hit by a mac truck. I was under far far less meds at this point in the day -- no more morphine, just regular pain medication & I was seeing things much clearer now. I was seeing my baby -- my human being baby who was no longer with us. I saw his sweet face & his sweet head with his little blue hat on. EVERYTHING hit me at once. HOW could I NOT have a burial service for this little boy? He deserved EVERYTHING. I was going to reject him of everything he deserved & that was so not fair. He is my baby & although it hurt like hell, he deserved the world. That was the moment that my tears became tears of reality selfishly crying over the loss of my little baby boy that I would never get back. I just wanted him back. I STILL want him back.
I was so glad I finally felt that pain & was served that dose of reality. Everyone who has been talking about my strength & my being an inspiration have it seriously misconstrued. I tried to ignore this beautiful baby boy who had been a part of me & for that I hate myself. I can only thank God over & over that reality was served & it wasn't too late. That night we asked Don & Irene (Matt's mom & dad) if they would help us in making the arrangements with funeral homes & grave sites as it was encouraged by the GC. They graciously accepted & got us to what we have planned for tomorrow -- a graveside service for immediate family in the afternoon & the open house at Pleasant Hill Baptist Church in Milford from 6-8 pm.
Caleb - I can hardly believe it's already been 6 days. Each day seems to actually get a little bit harder. I kept thinking that each day we got closer to your services would make it a little easier but how wrong I am. I sit in your room now & hold your clothes & it hurts. All I keep telling myself is I want you back. Selfishly. I know you are in such a better place but that doesn't always make me selfish pain any less. I will always want you back. I am so so sorry. I love you. I miss you. <3 Mommy
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