I don't know how to start this…so here goes.

I've decided to start a blog. I figure this may be a good way to get all the stories of what's been going on & what will continue to go on out there to everyone so that maybe I can share it once & not have to go through it over, & over, & over. 

I figure each day I will try to put a post out here & that will give me some time to be with & think of Caleb & share a little bit of him & his story with you.

So we will start with the beginning. As most of you know, Caleb was a major surprise! A little too much wine in December leads to a baby in September. The news at first of our little bundle of joy was shocking, no doubt, especially since it came about 8 weeks after Aaron & Amy announced we'd be expecting a surprise niece or nephew in July. When Matt & I got that news, we thought - phew! glad it's not us! We will be the rock star Aunt/Uncle as always though! Apparently, God had other plans & gave us a good lesson in karma shortly there after. :) 

We were excited though. Cousins close in age, a growing family -- we knew we made pretty awesome kids so we felt very blessed that God would give us another opportunity. 

Early on in the pregnancy, similar to the other 2, we suspected I would be dealing with gestational diabetes again. When I was pregnant with Henry, I wasn't tested until the normal 28/29 week marker & got my final "you have it" results around week 32. With Evelyn, when I went in at week 8, the doctor I spoke with said let's just start checking your post meal sugars & see what we get. Well, we got high sugars. So we treated it with medication & diet. Obviously, it wasn't perfect because when Evelyn was born, she went into the special care nursery for the first few days of her life to get her sugars back in balance. That was pretty miserable then so I was very nervous going into this pregnancy that we would have a repeat performance & that was one thing I really wanted to avoid. I spent more time in weekly doctor visits & I pushed for more from the doctors to avoid high sugar issues. I asked if insulin would help & since my sugars seemed to be in an adequate range, then nothing more really needed to be done right then. Everything seemed to be going somewhat smoothly, I'd have my weekly ultrasounds where they would check on the baby & check his weight -- he was measuring to be a big boy (just another Fine/Chapin baby trait -- Henry was 9.14 & Evelyn was 9.01) This past Monday is where things went from somewhat okay to crazy pretty quickly.

Last Monday, August 11th, I went in for another weekly checkup. They had me do my ultrasound where the tech said to me "it looks like he's measuring at 11.7 but he's practicing his breathing & he gets points in each category from me" -- awesome, a good report. So I go in to do my blood pressure test & my weight. My blood pressure came back at 155/100 (woah) & my weight was up 5.5lbs from the previous Monday. Not only was that alarming but I asked the nurse to tell me what my weight gain had been over the last 4 weeks -- 17 lbs. 17 lbs in 4 weeks?!?! Something wasn't right here. I went to do my non stress test where they monitor the babies heart rate over a period of time. What they look for is "reactions" from the baby where his heart rate will increase from movements inside the belly. They typically want to see 3-5 in the span of 30-45 minutes (that being the longest they will wait). This particular day Caleb was being a rockstar. They got 3 good reactions in about 15 minutes & I was set to see the doctor. I went in to meet with my doctor & we did our regular check up. I mentioned to him a few of the issues I had seen -- the weight gain, the swelling in my feet (I could barely get shoes on), the high blood pressure, & then he mentioned to me that there was protein in my urine. All 4 of these items are a sign of toxemia/preeclampsia. He made the decision right then that I would be going on bed rest & it was up to me if I wanted to go to the hospital for bed rest or home. If I were at home the rules were unless I was eating, using the restroom, or showering, I was to be in bed on my left side. I was also scheduled to do a 24 hour urine test where I would collect it all for 24 hours & take it back to the doctor. They would draw my blood to do some final tests regarding the toxemia/preeclampsia. I was set to start that test Thursday morning & turn it in Friday along with the blood tests. 

Luckily, my mom had been toxemic with me so she was somewhat familiar with what it meant. She absolutely came to my rescue that week helping take care of the kids & keep me on a salt free diet. She'd bring me breakfast, lunch, & even dinner; she had me check my blood pressure every couple of hours to keep an eye on that. Everything seemed to be going well because my feet were almost back to normal size! YAY! Then Thursday rolls around..

Thursday I was lying in bed & thinking to myself -- I haven't really felt Caleb move much lately. When he would move before, it would be big, obvious movements that you couldn't miss. They were somewhat painful from the size of him & how much space he was taking up. I knew the doctor had made mention to "make sure the baby stays active." I hesitated to make an issue of it at first because I figured to some degree that I'm 35 weeks pregnant, he's a big boy, maybe he's just taking it easy & there is nothing to worry about. And then you get one of those signs that you just can't ignore. I was browsing on Facebook & I saw a post where one of my "friends" commented on to me a complete strangers Facebook post. The Facebook post was someones mom posting for the individual stating that the girl had had the baby but unfortunately that baby did not make it. I remember thinking -- holy crap. Of all the things I had been dealing with that week & then any sign of concern I figured, what will it hurt to call. Maybe they will tell me you are being paranoid but at least I would know. So I got on the phone & called the doctor. It was right around 3:30 because I was watching Let's Make a Deal & I was laughing as I was on hold waiting to talk to someone. The doctor came on the phone & I told her my concerns. She sounded very busy but said hey no worries, go on in to the hospital & I will have them do an NST & a BPP. (Ultrasound & heart test..same I would do in the office) So I got myself together, told my mom what was going on, gave Henry a kiss & said "don't worry, I'll be back soon. I'm just going to see the doctor to make sure baby Caleb is okay"

I headed out the door & called Matt on my way. I told him to meet me there just in case. We met at the hospital in the parking lot around 4 pm & headed in. I got checked in & sent back to Triage where I met Joann. She had me get changed into the hospital gown & resting on the bed. She asked me the routine "are you safe at home?" "is there anything we need to know that your husband doesn't know?" etc etc questions & they sent Matt in. They got me hooked up to the heart monitor & there came that beautiful sound that gave me a big sigh of relief. A heartbeat at 153. I even said to Matt "there's his heartbeat…thank God." Joann asked me if I was comfortable because we knew I'd be on the machine for a few minutes & I asked if I could sit up more. I readjusted myself & between my movements & his we lost his heartbeat. She searched around trying to find it for about 3 minutes before giving up & saying to me "do you think you could handle lying on your left side?" & I said yes of course. I readjusted again & she soon found his little heartbeat again. Once she got everything squared away she told me she was going to call my doctor & she would be back in shortly. A few minutes later she came in with a cup of ice chips & said "chew on these. let's see if we can't get this baby to move." I started to eat my ice chips & Matt was messing with the TV. It's now 5 pm & Matt's mom is calling him to see how things are & to see what she can do. Does she need to pick up the kids, etc etc. I tell him no, everything seems fine I'm sure we will be out of here in less than an hour at worst. He gets off the phone with her & we continue to hang out.

Then, I watched on the monitor as Caleb's heart rate started to decrease. It went from 150 to 140, 140 to 120, before I knew it it was below 90 & headed for 70. I somewhat thought to myself that he must have moved & the machine was simply detecting my heartbeat. I started to turn to Matt to ask him to get the nurse when the door busts open & in runs Joann. She rips (& she will admit this) the ice chips out of my hand while saying "give me those" & making a phone call. She's call the resident OB asking him to please come to triage 3117. He starts to ask questions & she firmly says "get to triage 3117 now" & hangs up on him. It's now 5:08 pm. The next thing I know everyone is yelling CODE RED & RED ALERT. At least 10 more people flood into the room, Matt is pushed back against a wall to get out of the way & people are pulling & moving me 8 different ways. Joann is telling me to flip to my right, flip back, I have someone checking my cervix to see if I am dilated, someone else trying to start an IV in my left arm, someone else putting an oxygen mask over my head & Joann is trying to do a portable ultrasound to see what she can see. With the chaos in the room & the noise it's creating she can't get what she needs & just says forget it "We need to move NOW!" The sides of my bed are pulled up, I've got my regular OB in the background yelling "Rachel..I will see you in the OR" & we are on the move. I didn't get to say goodbye to Matt or anything.. I was just gone & he was left in the room. He was moved to a recovery room where he was being told what was going on & that he could not be with me. I was going into an emergency C-Section, I was going to be put to sleep & he would see me when it was over.

All the while I am being rolled down the hallway to the OR trying my best not to cry or hyperventilate not knowing what's going on or what is going to happen. I come into an OR where several people are running around & more yelling. I get myself onto the OR table & all 4 limbs are being pulled in 4 directions. The IV they had placed blew so they were trying for an IV in each arm again & the anesthesia lady is giving me items to drink, telling me to remain calm everything is going to be ok. I've got someone sticking the catheter in & prepping my belly for surgery all at once. Cap is on, IV is finally in, & gas mask is on. Before I know it I am saying "Please take care of my baby" & then I am out. The next thing I know I am back awake being held down by Joann & am yelling "what happened, where is he, is everything ok?!" & Joann calls for the OB to come over. My doctor got right next to my head as I will still on the OR table & was telling me that Caleb had not made it. I'm sure he said a lot of things but the things I heard was they "did everything they could .. they tried for over 30 minutes but he just didn't make it" Then Matt is there & our foreheads are pressed together & all I could do was cry & tell him how sorry I was. I felt like I had killed his baby. I couldn't breathe & I couldn't handle everything going on. Everything else the rest of the night felt like a really bad dream. I was in & out from the general anesthesia & so everything came in waves. I woke up again in recovery & suddenly my mom was there. She had been with the kids so where she came from I had no idea. All I knew now was my mother in law was with the kids. Then I woke up in a private room & both of my in laws & my mom were there. Then I was out again & Amy was there. They had started to let everyone hold Caleb & were asking me if I wanted to hold him. I fought it at first & said no because I felt like it was all a bad dream. I just needed to wake up from the bad dream & I would go back to being pregnant & home on bed rest. The whole nightmare would be over. Throughout the process I lost a lot of blood. I had my RN Molly very worried while all of this was going on because I became increasingly more pale & I wasn't making sentences. They said I sounded drunk more than anything between the tears/crying, the anesthesia & the blood loss. The OB came in to check on me again & found I had several blood clots causing me a lot of issues. They were actually able to go in & pull some out & as they did that, things started to come together a little more clearly. I started to get back some color & I was actually making sentences. I was finally able to hold Caleb & it hurt like hell. I cried to him & apologized to his beautiful face. I couldn't help but feel like I had failed him -- something I had done or not done did this to him because I carried him in my body & I did him wrong. He was my little baby & now he was gone. 

The rest of the night carried on like a blur. I was still in & out -- the hospital brought in a company by the name of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to take pictures & family continued to come in & out to see us. Eventually everyone went home & Matt & I were left to ourselves to grieve the loss of our little boy. Thank God for our RN Molly who was with us that night. She was beyond gracious & helpful to us. Understanding of what we were going through. She came in to check on me constantly & listen to me anytime I wanted to talk. (More on her & all the RN's later)

And that was night 1. Hands down the worst night of my life. The severity of what happened & the reality of it hadn't even truly hit yet..that would come over the next several days. 

And this was a message on Joel Osteen Ministries page this morning:
"Just because you’re a person of faith doesn’t exempt you from difficulties. The enemy may hit you with his best shot, but because your house is built on the rock, his best will never be enough. When the storm is over, you’ll come out stronger, increased, promoted, better off than you were before."