I am long overdue for a post & it only seems fitting to do an update on a day like today.
So you're probably wondering…how am I doing?
I'm doing okay. Today wasn't AS hard as I'd anticipated. The days leading up to today were much worse. To say I've been under a lot of stress is an understatement. Working 13 out of 14 days with Mother's Day being your only day off is not the way to go. I thought I would be fine just having Mother's Day off. I had no idea how I would feel Thursday, Friday, & Saturday… It was almost as if I was at stage 1 grief again. Irrational anger - as in I could have (& probably did) snap at someone when I shouldn't have, cursed more people in my mind then necessary (& whose to determine how many is too many??) I pretty much ran out of work Friday before a break down hit (which it did before I even made it to the car) and just walked through each day with a numbness set in. But I had a good support system to help me keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I also heard a song yesterday that kind of pushed me forward as well. It's a song from the show Nashville (& honestly, I don't know if it's an original song or a cover of a song but the show is where I heard it, therefore, they get credit)
I've attached a youtube clip of it. I especially appreciate the "but if you're just a vessel and God gave you something special, it ain't yours to throw away…"
https://youtu.be/6xia2NsRoEk
And I made it to today. This life is not mine to throw away. These beautiful kids I have in my arms & my husband, they aren't mine to throw away. I admit, I spent a lot of time in bed this morning. We could blame that on "the Mother's Day treat" but we could also blame it on me taking the time to be sad. I gave myself the time this morning & I picked myself up with that strength that every woman didn't realize they had until they became a mother.
I also have an amazing work family who I must brag on right now. They surprised me on Saturday with this bracelet that says 'MOM' & then the 3 kids names on a charm & it all came in the circle box that was engraved with Phil 4:13. Beautiful, beautiful & so thoughtful.
This week was also hard from feelings still lingering from last week. His headstone was put in early last week. Matt stopped by after work one day & saw it was in. I stopped a few days later & cried so hard I couldn't really see it. I had to take a picture so I could try to look at it later. I hate it…I hate it, I hate it, I hate it..but I love it. I am "pleased" with the way it turned out. It should be something beautiful for our baby & I feel like they did a great job.
We also did the March of Dimes walk 2 weeks ago. We had an amazing turn out! I could sit here & count the total heads + kids but I won't. It was close to 40 in total & as a group we raised $1,880! It warms my heart to know this many people came out to support Matt & I help try to support other families who've felt our pain or could one day feel our pain. There are countless numbers of you who donated in monetary ways & for you, we are also thankful! You helped keep #teamcalebcassius in the top 20 teams for fundraising! That was awesome! We had beautiful weather for the walk - it was a good day over all! Again - our thanks & love to those who supported us. Shout outs to http://www.allstarsportswear.net for making our shirts!! And to Amy D. for designing them. <3
Alright..that's a wrap for today.
Carry this with you -
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
STRUCK DOWN, BUT NOT DESTROYED!" - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9
Missing you everyday, CCF <3
