Today is just one of those days..
Wallowing is the only way to truly describe it.
I didn't really get my chance on Saturday when he would have been 7 months (I was traveling back from San Antonio a large portion of the day) so I stuck a pin in it.
Speaking of San Antonio..that's where I will start. I found myself having many weak moments. The overall presence of sun, warmth, & perfect blue sky with a nice breeze -- I feel like those are the times I can truly feel Caleb in spirit with me. We took a lot of walks to pass some time & most of those walks paused for a good cry (on my part) & to just say THANK YOU FOR YOUR BEAUTY! There is SUCH beauty to this dark dark world. I also lost my marbles on the plane ride home … so sorry to those on the plane that witnessed that small episode with zero clue where it came from! Sometimes when you open the well..there is just no stopping it.
I stopped by the cemetery on my way home today. Good news is Caleb's headstone is finally here .. bad news is they can't put it in until the weather is better & the ground hardens up. I am anxious in an odd way for them to place it so in my mind I can believe that he is resting in peace. I never know what to take when I visit him…nothing ever seems enough. It's one of the hardest parts about going. Aside from wanting to go nuts on the ground because you think that will bring him back or walking away…gah, walking away is easily THEE hardest part. And I know..I know, I know, I know. That's just where his physical body is. His spirit is in Heaven. I get it, I believe it…but put yourself in that position when your baby boy's physical body is buried in the ground. There is something unrealishly hard about walking away every time..
Anyway..that got pretty heavy.
I do have to say that I am constantly floored by the distance this blog has posted. I honestly started it for myself, not expecting anyone to read it & when I go back & see that the first few posts have 1500-2100 views, it blows my mind. I get notes or messages from people I've never met who've read the blog & have a similar story or just want to say something..so I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to those people. I am grateful to know that I am not alone & that people appreciate when I do share. It's not always easy & I don't always want to do it but other days I feel like I just have to. So thank you for allowing me to do that & being willing to listen.
Segway in..since I know this has reached so many people.. & I know there are SO many people who have gone through something similar, I feel I have to share why I chose to start a team for the March of Dimes walk in April. I know that what happened to Caleb was something fast, intense, & out of anyone but God's control. I don't have false views that maybe the March of Dimes could have/should have helped..but what I do know is who & how they help other families going through this. The reason I want to walk & raise money is to help those babies who get a chance to fight day in & day out…& for the moms & dads of said babies so that they NEVER have to say they have a similar story & know our pain. It is not a pain I would wish on ANYONE. I hope you will consider joining the walk in memory of Caleb but also in honor of the other babies fighting the battle daily…give them a chance to win! And a chance for those moms & dads to take their babies home each day <3 (If those close to me want to walk as a group..please let me know. I'd love to get shirts made in memory of Caleb)
So far we have 6 walkers & $400 raised! My goal is $2500 & countless walkers!
https://www.marchforbabies.org/march/personal_page.asp?pp=5477668&ct=4&w=6961604&u=calebcassiusfine&bt=15&fb_ref=Default
much love, as always
CCF <3
