Being Brave.

Man! It's been too long since I've been here.

It's amazing how far we've come. It's almost hard to come back to this site anymore because it takes me back, every little memory comes flooding back. We still think about you every. day. Evelyn has even started talking about "Cawub" and it is the cutest, most gut wrenching thing ever. You are so loved and so missed, little boy.

To further discuss what has transpired over time..the first part of this year we really got a grip on where we wanted to be. Did we want to try for another or did we want to look into adoption? Every time we would talk about trying again, I would get terrified. I'd have a light at the idea of another baby, another piece of our family, but the process scared me half to death. So we finally bit the bullet. At church one weekend, they had a special speaker in discussing "Anything is Possible" and he talked about how God does His greatest work in the scary, dark, unknown places. The whole entire service I kept thinking to myself - adoption. It's the scary, dark road we don't understand but maybe that's the path God is nudging us toward. Then, that same week, we got word from some friends of ours that they would be fostering a 1-2 day old baby. My heart broke. Every thought in my head was I will go and get that baby right now. I will love them. That did it for me. I wanted a baby - & quite frankly, I wanted it now. I started doing some research all on my own while Matt was at work & just figured..he'll be on board whether he likes it or not. Turns out, when we finally connected by phone later that day, the first thing out of his mouth was "I want a baby." Me too, buddy. So it seemed our newest journey was ahead of us. We registered for an orientation with an adoption agency to get the scoop, started doing some more online research, started to pray about it. I can't tell you what slowed me down. I left the orientation ready to fill out my application & drop the first $1600 or so toward this process. I was all in. But then…I wasn't. That orientation was on a Wednesday and by Friday, I just couldn't do it. I don't know what it was but I called it a bad fit. So Matt & I started talking about other agencies. Maybe there would be a better fit out there for us.

We let it sit for about 2 weeks and lightly started to bring it up again. Still…making no moves.

I had a doctors appointment somewhere within this timeframe because I started having some joint pain. (I started advocare shortly before so I swore it was killing me) I had some blood work done on a Thursday, on Saturday we went out with our good friends Carrie & Kyle - there was wine. there was sushi. a BOAT of sushi. Monday, I get a call with my blood work results. My thyroid was "abnormal" and my fasting blood sugar was 130. crap.

I was thinking in my head, trying to run some numbers, it was way too early. Wasn't it? crap. double crap. I stop on my way home from work that day just to see… yep, sure nough.

And thus begins, God laughing at what we thought was His plan. :)

So reason I'm telling you via this blog?

I didn't want to. I 100% wanted to keep this on a those who need to know basis and leave it at that. Matt & I went so far as to not jinx ourselves by buying anything. We made that commitment this week that we will not buy anything until the day he/she safely arrives.

Well….we are doing the BRAVE journey at church right now. We had to pick a heading for ourselves in where we would be Brave. I did week 1's steps and my heading had to do with work. I clearly remember just thinking "ugh. I don't care." Work is work and the way I feel right now is I just don't care. There is something SO MUCH BIGGER taking up space in my mind. It was a daily, constant, horrible feeling I was carrying around. Almost like waiting for that shoe to drop and the bad news to come. What I realized over this past week is that by all of the things I thought above..I wasn't trusting in Him.  I was going to be entirely in control of this situation but are. you. kidding. me. Just thinking back on the last 3 weeks - the misery, the anxiety. There is NO WAY I can carry that weight on my own. WHY SHOULD I?!

So, I'm giving it all up. GUESS WHAT, FRIENDS?! Good or bad, right or wrong, Matt & I are having a baby! Holy fudge stick, batman! And it's going. to. be. great.
**ps quite a lengthy post to come to that conclusion, aye? congrats on sticking it out! :)

"Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid." - Isaiah 12:2

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." - Romans 5:2-5

 "Do not be afraid, for I am with you;" - Isaiah 43:5

'Tis The Season...

I can hardly believe another holiday season is among us & we remain without you…

Today…life truly kicked me in the face.

I'd been doing SO well with the fake facade up until today. I mean SO well in fact that I didn't know it was a facade or that it was fake until the wall came crumbling down.

There's no doubt in my mind that I dove head first into trying and trying and trying to give this Christmas. Give from the heart? Spread the "joy"?! I don't know what I thought I would gain from that. Maybe I wouldn't feel the pain this year? Like maybe if I gave my heart away maybe it would help me feel again? Maybe I wouldn't be numb?

When I think about you sweet boy & how you won't be here with our family…that's how I feel. I feel numb, I feel dark. I feel horribly, horribly sad.

What set me off? your Aunt Amy..dang her. ((Amy..I don't really mean for you to feel bad :) I would have been more hurt if you hadn't said it that way..it's just my new reality))

She posted a picture to Facebook about the 12 buddies & 1 angel looking over us at our Buddy Christmas last night.

You should have been there!

I wish I didn't deserve to lose you, sweet boy. I know I took you for granted and for that I am so so sorry.

So many days I wake up & I get out of bed & I'm okay. A day will never go by that I'm better without you. Every day I miss you & wish you were here.

You would have been 16 months old. You would be walking, talking..you would have been playing with Lennon all night last night, probably flashing your belly, smiling, loving getting tickled just like she was.

I. am. so. sorry.

happy. heavenly. birthday.

wow, that hurts to say.

today is really no different than any other day. i still woke up this morning & you still weren't here. but now instead of counting the time we've lost you in days or months…it's now a year.

your brother misses you so much. he was so excited to be your big brother. from the time we told him there was a baby in mommy's belly & he jumped up & down saying "again?!" like he just got promoted or something. i know i've said over & over how lucky you are to skip the pain & heartache of this world, but you really are missing one awesome big brother. he's going in to kindergarten this year & i know he would have taken such good care of you this past year. he never forgets you..he talks about you constantly. it's the sweetest & most painful thing all at the same time.

and i know your sister misses you, too, she just doesn't know how to express it yet. she's a big sister, too. big sister to an angel. we will never let her forget you.

we miss you, sweet boy.
i know you are partying it up with all your angel baby friends in heaven today.
i wish i could hear your laugh, see your smile.

life without you feels incomplete.

happy heavenly birthday, angel. i love you.

Making it count...

It is unbelievable for me to say …. it's almost been one year. Un-stinkin-real. I know if Caleb were here, I would be saying it just as much because we would see how much he's grown. I'm torn between if the year has gone faster than normal years or not….it all just feels like a blur.

But with the one year fast approaching, per our request, some dear friends of ours have put together a "celebration" of sorts for us. Instead of holing up at home & laying in bed all day (for days) & moping, we want to get our friends & family together to make life count & celebrate.

We will always & forever be sad about the sweet baby boy we've lost - there will never come a day when I don't wish he were here.
It's not meant to be a funeral, or even a memorial. It's not meant to be sad - please don't wear black.

Our the reality is…we have friends & family here & now who we will only get to be with for a little while. We have learned that life is much too short and now is our time to make it as sweet as possible. We hope to make this an annual gathering with friends & family to keep our memory of Caleb going..

So we hope you will join us:

Friday, August 14th (yes..the actual one year anniversary) starting at 5:30
Leming Community Park
5951 Buckwheat Rd.
Milford, OH 45150

If your last name falls A-M - please bring a side dish/snack/appetizer to share
If your last name falls N-Z - please bring a dessert to share

Bring some beer or share a coke! BYOC (just in case!)

We love you all so much & thank you for supporting us through hands down the toughest time in our life.

"It ain't yours to throw away"

well….Happy Mother's Day!

I am long overdue for a post & it only seems fitting to do an update on a day like today.

So you're probably wondering…how am I doing?

I'm doing okay. Today wasn't AS hard as I'd anticipated. The days leading up to today were much worse. To say I've been under a lot of stress is an understatement. Working 13 out of 14 days with Mother's Day being your only day off is not the way to go. I thought I would be fine just having Mother's Day off. I had no idea how I would feel Thursday, Friday, & Saturday… It was almost as if I was at stage 1 grief again. Irrational anger - as in I could have (& probably did) snap at someone when I shouldn't have, cursed more people in my mind then necessary (& whose to determine how many is too many??) I pretty much ran out of work Friday before a break down hit (which it did before I even made it to the car) and just walked through each day with a numbness set in. But I had a good support system to help me keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I also heard a song yesterday that kind of pushed me forward as well. It's a song from the show Nashville (& honestly, I don't know if it's an original song or a cover of a song but the show is where I heard it, therefore, they get credit)

I've attached a youtube clip of it. I especially appreciate the "but if you're just a vessel and God gave you something special, it ain't yours to throw away…"


https://youtu.be/6xia2NsRoEk


And I made it to today. This life is not mine to throw away. These beautiful kids I have in my arms & my husband, they aren't mine to throw away. I admit, I spent a lot of time in bed this morning. We could blame that on "the Mother's Day treat" but we could also blame it on me taking the time to be sad. I gave myself the time this morning & I picked myself up with that strength that every woman didn't realize they had until they became a mother.

I also have an amazing work family who I must brag on right now. They surprised me on Saturday with this bracelet that says 'MOM' & then the 3 kids names on a charm & it all came in the circle box that was engraved with Phil 4:13. Beautiful, beautiful & so thoughtful.

This week was also hard from feelings still lingering from last week. His headstone was put in early last week. Matt stopped by after work one day & saw it was in. I stopped a few days later & cried so hard I couldn't really see it. I had to take a picture so I could try to look at it later. I hate it…I hate it, I hate it, I hate it..but I love it. I am "pleased" with the way it turned out. It should be something beautiful for our baby & I feel like they did a great job.

We also did the March of Dimes walk 2 weeks ago. We had an amazing turn out! I could sit here & count the total heads + kids but I won't. It was close to 40 in total & as a group we raised $1,880! It warms my heart to know this many people came out to support Matt & I help try to support other families who've felt our pain or could one day feel our pain. There are countless numbers of you who donated in monetary ways & for you, we are also thankful! You helped keep #teamcalebcassius in the top 20 teams for fundraising! That was awesome! We had beautiful weather for the walk - it was a good day over all! Again - our thanks & love to those who supported us. Shout outs to http://www.allstarsportswear.net for making our shirts!! And to Amy D. for designing them. <3

Alright..that's a wrap for today. 

Carry this with you - 

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;

perplexed, but not in despair;

persecuted, but not abandoned;

STRUCK DOWN, BUT NOT DESTROYED!" - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Missing you everyday, CCF <3

My "raving fan"

Yup…

This post is about you, buddy!

This is how my Saturday starts..pre-9 am. Hanging in my branch myself for a minute because co-worker went to snag Starbucks. I open my e-mail & see an e-mail from Richard Davis.
Subject: "Fw: Employee Spotlight"
My first thought was an assumed "someone else sent this 'from Richard Davis' e-mail company wide" but when I open the e-mail, it starts off "Rachel - ….." Then I think, woah! That's pretty impressive technology the way they made this e-mail specific to me. (old school AIM %n stuff - whose with me?) Next thought - CRAP! It's spam! We got a message from "Jessica" the day before that was spam so, of course, this has to be some sort of spam follow up, right? Please, someone tell me Richard Davis didn't click the link!! I continue reading (why?? I really think my computer is going to melt or explode or something, because this can not be real)
"Rachel -- I wanted to send you a personal note of thanks and admiration."
I'm sorry, WHAT'S THAT NOW?! The e-mail goes on to mention that a name (I will not mention) sent in a very nice message about me..he referred to said individual as a "raving fan"! By paragraph 2, he was explaining how my raving fan had shared with him our tragic loss. He gave his condolences & some other really nice words. Now it's still pre-9 am & I am hysterically crying on the teller line, by myself. I can't seem to figure out if this is the biggest, most elaborate, awful prank someone has ever pulled or what!

Well, it wasn't a prank. It was 100% real. I got an e-mail specific to me, from the company's CEO. You know, the CEO of a bank who employs more than 61,000 people. NBD. It's not like he's got anything better to do than e-mail me on his Friday afternoon/evening. He does that all the time. I even call him "R-Dizzle" we are that tight.

NOT. Are you kidding me??!?!?!

Hands down one of thee coolest things I've ever had happen.

I've won a couple awards, been sent on a trip or two courtesy of US Bank. Whatever -- all great things that can keep a person engaged & motivated to perform with payouts & rewards like that. However, I will tell you…nothing, at all, compares in my opinion to the fact that the man who sits as CEO took the time to send ME a message giving his condolences & telling me he'll be praying for not only me, but Matt, Henry, & Evelyn?! Are you serious?! ("Are you SEEING this right now!?")
There really is no topping that.

So…to you, my raving fan. My thanks truly go to you. In my almost 8 years with the company, it is to my knowledge (& it's highly unlikely) that anyone else has ever done or ever will do again what you did. You did it on your own, with no expectation, & quite frankly, we both know you wanted to go under the radar on it. I appreciate the heck out of you! I may even "bring it in for the real thing" (a hug) the next time I see you. :)

And to my sweet baby Caleb, I see this all coming from you. I'd still give just about anything to have you here…but this is definitely one of those times where it hurts, but it helps. People in high places know about you, sweet boy! I love you, I love you, I love you. I wish you were here. Until I see you again…. <3

Wallowing

Today is just one of those days..

Wallowing is the only way to truly describe it.

I didn't really get my chance on Saturday when he would have been 7 months (I was traveling back from San Antonio a large portion of the day) so I stuck a pin in it.

Speaking of San Antonio..that's where I will start. I found myself having many weak moments. The overall presence of sun, warmth, & perfect blue sky with a nice breeze -- I feel like those are the times I can truly feel Caleb in spirit with me. We took a lot of walks to pass some time & most of those walks paused for a good cry (on my part) & to just say THANK YOU FOR YOUR BEAUTY! There is SUCH beauty to this dark dark world. I also lost my marbles on the plane ride home … so sorry to those on the plane that witnessed that small episode with zero clue where it came from! Sometimes when you open the well..there is just no stopping it.

I stopped by the cemetery on my way home today. Good news is Caleb's headstone is finally here .. bad news is they can't put it in until the weather is better & the ground hardens up. I am anxious in an odd way for them to place it so in my mind I can believe that he is resting in peace. I never know what to take when I visit him…nothing ever seems enough. It's one of the hardest parts about going. Aside from wanting to go nuts on the ground because you think that will bring him back or walking away…gah, walking away is easily THEE hardest part. And I know..I know, I know, I know. That's just where his physical body is. His spirit is in Heaven. I get it, I believe it…but put yourself in that position when your baby boy's physical body is buried in the ground. There is something unrealishly hard about walking away every time..

Anyway..that got pretty heavy.

I do have to say that I am constantly floored by the distance this blog has posted. I honestly started it for myself, not expecting anyone to read it & when I go back & see that the first few posts have 1500-2100 views, it blows my mind. I get notes or messages from people I've never met who've read the blog & have a similar story or just want to say something..so I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to those people. I am grateful to know that I am not alone & that people appreciate when I do share. It's not always easy & I don't always want to do it but other days I feel like I just have to. So thank you for allowing me to do that & being willing to listen.

Segway in..since I know this has reached so many people.. & I know there are SO many people who have gone through something similar, I feel I have to share why I chose to start a team for the March of Dimes walk in April. I know that what happened to Caleb was something fast, intense, & out of anyone but God's control. I don't have false views that maybe the March of Dimes could have/should have helped..but what I do know is who & how they help other families going through this. The reason I want to walk & raise money is to help those babies who get a chance to fight day in & day out…& for the moms & dads of said babies so that they NEVER have to say they have a similar story & know our pain. It is not a pain I would wish on ANYONE. I hope you will consider joining the walk in memory of Caleb but also in honor of the other babies fighting the battle daily…give them a chance to win! And a chance for those moms & dads to take their babies home each day <3 (If those close to me want to walk as a group..please let me know. I'd love to get shirts made in memory of Caleb)

So far we have 6 walkers & $400 raised! My goal is $2500 & countless walkers!

https://www.marchforbabies.org/march/personal_page.asp?pp=5477668&ct=4&w=6961604&u=calebcassiusfine&bt=15&fb_ref=Default

much love, as always
CCF <3